End of the road

Some of you may have seen this coming. I know I have for a long time. There will be no more TTC talk for me, at least not in the near future. I've asked my husband for a divorce. Our marriage has not been well for a long time and I'm finally cutting ties to move on. At the point we started TTC, I thought we were moving forward together. The longer it took, the more I realize I was desperately trying to force him to grow up when he really didn't want to. But I think this whole process has only helped me to see how flawed our relationship was. The one common thread among all of you was how wonderful and supportive your husbands were in the process. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. We've basically been pleasant roommates for the better part of a year now. I want more. I deserve more. And I know I'll find it. I'm free now and there's so much happiness waiting for me. Thank you all for your friendship and I wish you nothing but happiness on your journeys forward.

Was it really that bad?!?1

I know - I fall of the face of the earth for a whole month and then back to back entries! Go figure! But I'm frustrated and kind of hurt so hopefully you ladies can help me figure some of this out.

DH and I were stretched out on the couch watching TV and casually debating whether or not to put in central air this summer. DH doesn't think we need it (we live in Michigan) because the summers generally aren't too bad. However, there are days that it gets in the upper 80s/low 90s and our house retains that heat so much that it easily nears 100 in the house at times. And especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, I just can NOT handle that. DH pointed out that I'm easily 45 lbs lighter than last summer and that would help with the heat. I made the comment that I wouldn't be pregnant this summer either. DH scolded me and I said "Well, it's true."

He kind of got quiet and a little tense so I asked if he was okay. He said yes and I said "Really?" All the sudden he said "You know what - no, I'm not." Then he got up, threw a pillow across the room and told me never to say something that stupid again before he stormed out of the room. Now he's actually locked himself in our computer room and refuses to talk to me.

I don't get it - it's not just a matter of attitude, it's essentially fact. The urologist felt his numbers were poor enough that if nothing changed even an IUI wouldn't be an option and we'd have to skip right to IVF. Okaaay...so barring a miracle conception, no, I will not be pregnant this summer. And he's not done much to change that. For heaven sake he even laughs it off when I remind him (daily) to take his pills and hell, even EAT a meal!

So what was so bad about what I said? I wasn't assigning blame. I wasn't taking a stab at him. It was just a matter of fact. And actually, I was just thinking last night that if we're going to do a half marathon, we probably won't start TTC again until next spring. As it is, it'll be at least this fall if not the end of the year to see a change in his s/a results from healthy lifestyle changes. *sigh* And I thought I was hormonal right now.

This one is gonna hurt

I really haven't meant to be absent for so long! I know I say that each time but I really do mean it. There really isn't news to report on the TTC front except to say that right now we really aren't. It frustrates me but right now it's out of my hands. DH still really hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's a 40 year old adult who needs to be taking care of himself. It's pretty much a daily struggle for me not to just flip out on him over it and sometimes I'm not successful. I guess it'll either happen or it won't.

But even that aside, I've decided that I'm going to do something productive with my time instead of just stewing about it. I'll admit that even though I still am not sure how much I like running, I've been bitten by the race bug. I ran my second 5K with my family a week and a half ago and cut 5 minutes off my time! We've signed up for a 5K Memorial Day weekend and I'm hoping to get under 40 minutes this time and run most if not all of it this time. I know it's going to be an emotional run though because it'll be what I call my dad's redemption run. It's the race he couldn't finish last year because he had a heart attack a mile in. Even though he went on to run a marathon in January, there's something to be said for finishing what you start. And with him as my inspiration, I've asked my sisters to run the Disney Princess half marathon with me in March instead of the 5K. I've got lots of time to train and the determination to do it. So I'm excited. :o)

Now for my blog title....in the middle of all my grandma's illness last month, my cousin who has been living with her for the last year and a half got picked up on a parole violation. Part of the condition of his parole is that he's not supposed to have access to computers but Grandma decided she really missed having one last year and bought a laptop. It stays in her room and only has her Quicken books and email on it. But it was still in the house and shouldn't have been. And his parole officer got tipped off on it so he's headed back to prison. Then a few weeks later his fiancee who also lives with him and Grandma found out she was pregnant. *sigh*

She's a really sweet girl. She's been there taking care of the house and most of what my grandma has needed when she moved to rehab and taking care of her at home now that she's out. We've really become good friends and I've tried to be there for both her and my cousin through all of this. My cousin really has taken full responsibility for the mistakes he made and done what he can to make up for everything. But she has PCOS like I do and the whole circumstance that she's in now (not married, him being gone for who knows how long, recently lost her job, etc) just makes my heart hurt. I gave her the number for my ob/gyn again because I know she'll be in great hands there. Her first prenatal appointment is next Tuesday and I offered to go with her. Last week they asked me to be the baby's godmother.

I'm going to be there for her as best I can because it's the right thing to do and I know she doesn't really have a great support system anywhere else. But it's going to hurt like hell. I've shared some with her about our IF but I don't know if she really understands how bittersweet this is all going to be for me. I guess I just always thought the first prenatal appointment I went to would be for me.....

ONDERLAND!!

I just have to put this out there because I'm so so excited!!! Today at my weigh in I entered the wonderful world of Onderland. For those of you not up on Weight Watchers lingo, it means that I am no longer a 200 lb+ woman. I don't think that's happened since I was in high school. I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. The year I was diagnosed with PCOS I gained over 60 lbs in probably 8 months. Ouch.

No more!!!! Someday when I finally get my baby bump, I'll be proud to show it off. Right now I'm down 35.8 and I really hope to be down 50 by the time DH gets reevaluated. He's taking his vitamins and supplements and while he hasn't gotten to eating a fruit and a veggie everyday, he's been eating at least one or the other for the last few days. Baby steps though I guess, right?

Our trip, his appointment, and a family crisis

I've been bad, I know. It's been a month since a posted and a lot has happened. I'll try not to ramble on too long!

First, our Florida trip! We went to visit my brother and his family the first week of March. Even though it was a cooler than normal, we still had a great time. We met the new baby and tried to keep up with my older nephew who isn't quite 2 yet. My SIL and I walked/jogged in our first 5K at Epcot and it was absolutely fantastic! We were having so much fun talking and taking in the sights that I didn't have time to worry about how far we'd gone and finishing.


Yes, we wore our tiaras. And I really felt like a princess when we were done. The last picture is of us approaching the finish line and I just love how happy we both look. It was an incredibly uplifting and empowering day that I'll be drawing strength from for a long time.

Now the appointment. DH had his follow up appointment today with the urologist to discuss his s/a. His count on the first was okay but not great and his count the on the second a week later was terrible. And in both tests showed a lot of white blood cells still as well as too many abnormally shaped sperm. It's bad enough that the urologist didn't even feel that an IUI would be successful. At this point, the major culprit is DH's life style. He doesn't like to eat and trying to get him to eat fruits and veggies is pretty much out of the question. He smokes about a pack a day and drinks far, far too much beer. The doc gave him a list of supplements to buy, a prescription for more antibiotics, and orders to get it together (eat right, quit smoking and drinking). When pushed for an answer as to what could be causing the inflammation/white blood cells, the doc tossed out a few ideas one of which was the possibility that DH is allergic to our animals. For whatever reason, DH latched right on to that despite having no other symptoms. Whatever. I'll be damned if I'm getting rid of my "babies" without proof that it's necessary. I told him that he needs to try getting healthy before I'm willing to even consider the animals as an issue. Obviously I can't force DH to make these changes but I can encourage him to make small changes. So for this week I asked him to to try eat at least one fruit and one vegetable each day along with two small meals. He seems to want to do this and with the big 4-0 looming in a few weeks, I think it's hitting home a little harder.

The family crisis. A week ago my grandma was found unresponsive in her bed. She's 75 years old and in pretty darn good health so it was a shock. After some testing and cracking her chest open, they found out she had a dissecting aorta. Pretty scary. She was in surgery a really long time because they couldn't get her to stop bleeding but they were finally able to close her up and get her up to ICU. The whole (24 of us at least!) family nearby camped out in the surgical waiting room until we knew she'd at least made it. We didn't get home until after 5am Friday morning. The first 24 hours were a little touchy but day by day she's made fantastic progress. Tonight she was sitting up in the chair, eating her dinner, and sounding a lot like her normal self. By the end of the week she should be able to move in to a rehab center. She's an amazing woman. But then again, anyone who could raise my dad and his two brothers (all whom are less than a year apart) would have to be pretty darn fantastic!

And lastly, on a little side note about me....my weight loss is now up to 33 lbs! I had a small gain last week because of the whole camping out at the hospital thing but I'm fine with it. These next 2 pounds are super important to me because it will put me under 200 lbs for the first time in my adult life. I was pleasantly surprised this week at my Weight Watchers meeting when my leader asked me and another guy to hang out for a minute because she had something for us. Turns out, she wants us both to apply for the Weight Watchers 2010 Role Model of the Year! I have to submit pictures and a 400 word essay with my application but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. I'm only a third of the way to my goal but I really have confidence in myself that I can do it. And heck, if I win a role model award then I pretty much have to get to goal this time, right?

He Did It!

I'm shocked! Today was the first of DH's s/a appointments that had been *ahem* postponed. He finally went to get a collection kit yesterday and had a heck of a time getting one. I know he didn't sleep much if at all last night. That was his own fault though because he's ditched any progress he'd made in a "normal" sleep pattern. I ended up having to go for some training at work this morning so I wasn't home to take the specimen in as planned. I called home after I got out at 11:40 and was heading to my Weight Watchers meeting but I got the machine. His appointment was 11am so I half expected that he was in bed. I tried his cell any way and was really surprised when he answered.

Not only was he at the hospital, he'd been running around for a half hour trying to figure out where his specimen was supposed to go. Seems that they had closed/moved the fertility center about a month ago. But no one bothered to let us know that. And no one seemed terribly concerned that my husband was running around with a little cup of sperm in his pocket desperate to hand it off to someone before time ran out. He was directed to no less than 5 different places trying to discretely explain himself before finally arriving where he needed to go. I really do give him a lot of credit for this morning, I know it was frustrating and somewhat embarrassing. This is the same hospital that I work for so you can bet that I'm going to be giving someone an earful tomorrow as to why no one bothered to call us with new directions. Especially since DH told me that the first place he tried told him he was the third person that morning to come in trying to find out what had happened to the fertility center.

So we'll see what happens. Next Tuesday is his second s/a and we leave for Florida the following week. I doubt that we'll hear anything until after we get home. But at least it will finally be done!

Maybe

DH told me last night that he'd tried to quit smoking again on Saturday while I was working my long day. He seems to think that quitting cold turkey by just staying in bed and locking himself away from the world is the best way to go. Whatever works for him I guess. The part that took me by surprise was the comment "Well, I should have done it a long time ago but if we're going to have a baby I have to quit." Hmmmm....maybe he thinks about it more than he lets on.

Guess We're Even

I just got home from a rather long shift and well, work week for me (my "weekends" are Tuesdays and Wednesdays typically) to find the first status update in my news feed was from someone I went to high school with spouting off about how she could care less about people's Farmville crap. I'll admit, I play. Guilty. I enjoy some mindless entertainment.

I find it interesting that she'd rather bitch about it than just hide the app from her news feed. But I guess that makes us even because I really don't give a shit about the boring crap her kids are doing OR the brainless things she and her moron husband do when they're drunk with said kids in the apartment. Oh yes, and then let's tell the world about it on Facebook - complete with pictures! Parents of the world folks.

Yeah, I'm tired. And bitchy. Oh well.

Just checking in...

Not a whole lot going on. DH's second s/a was scheduled for last Tuesday and he was insisting that he was still going to do it even though he missed his first one the week before. I flat out told him I was not paying $150 for this one test if his doctor didn't okay doing a single test instead of two. So he finally calls his urologist's office - half an hour before his s/a appointment- and makes his appeal to the nurse. She flat out told him that the doctor wouldn't even look at the results if it wasn't done the way he'd ordered it. I'd been pretty confident of that all along and had absolutely no delusions that he'd be going in last week. So now it's rescheduled for 2/16 and 2/23. We'll see what happens but I'm not holding my breath any more.

Of course not only did he promise that he really did want to do this but also blurted out that he was going to quit smoking too. I've been hearing that for oh, eight years now. Actions speak louder than words. We had a brief exchange over the weekend that I think finally registered with him. He was telling me about all these things he was going to do while I was working my 12 hour shift the next day but it was the same stuff he'd been telling me he was going to do for the last 3 days. I finally just turned to him and said "Hon, I can't just trust your words any more because you don't follow through. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear at the time and then go on your merry way. Show me I can count on you by doing things and telling me afterward." I could see by the shock on his face that he finally gets it - just telling me he's going to do things doesn't make me happy. He's taken care of a few things around the house since then that I've been asking him to for a long time so we'll see what happens from here.

As for me, I'm just focusing on taking care of things that I can right now. My weight loss is still moving along and as of today, I've lost 25 lbs on Weight Watchers. My 5K training got off track for a few weeks because of some tendinitis in my foot but I climbed back on my treadmill last night after work and huffed and puffed my way through a work out. I still have a month and I'm not nearly as terrified of getting picked up for not keeping pace any more. Plus, I'm seriously looking forward to buying some new warm weather clothes when we go! AF should be here in a day or two but I'm expecting that. Honestly, I haven't been doing anything in the TTC department. I'm aware of my fertile time just because CM is almost impossible not to notice now that I got use to checking it. But that's about it. And I'm okay with that. For now. ;o)

Hurt and angry

It kind of all started on Sunday when it dawned on me that James' first of two repeat s/a was today and his last "emission" before the test had to be no more than 5 calendar days but no less than 2 days before the test. I called him from work to mention it and he didn't say anything. So I said "Unless you already took care of that." Still nothing. Okay. "Did you take care of that in the last few days?" He finally said "Yeah, after they called Friday to remind me about the appointment." Honestly, I was hurt. I mean, when you're trying to get pregnant, wouldn't you opt for BD vs manual operation - ESPECIALLY since he has no clue where I'm at in my cycle (and yes, this is my window). Not to mention the fact that it's been a few weeks. Then he goes on to tell me that he thinks his infection is back and wants his urine tested first. I told him he'd have to call the urologist on Monday to see if they could just take a quick look without actually seeing the doctor.

He knew I was upset. I know he was trying to make me feel better because he promised to get started on the laundry (piles upon piles of it because I've been so busy lately and James keeps promising (but hasn't) to look at the washer because it keeps spilling water all over the basement floor when it goes through the spin cycle) and clean up the house. I got home Sunday night and nothing had been touched. Nothing. I ended up going to bed barely saying a word because I knew it wouldn't be nice.

Last night I was at work again when I realized that he hadn't gone to pick up a collection kit. I called once at 4:30 and left a message. I called back again at 5:30 and he answered. I told him he needed to go pick up the kit and where to go. He asked how late they were open and I said I knew he could get in to pick one up at least until 6pm but I wasn't sure about any later than that. I asked if he'd gotten into the urologist and he told me he couldn't find the number. Ummm, his card is hanging on the refrigerator door. "Oh." On my way home, at 10:30pm, he called my cell to tell me that he had gotten there at 6:30pm and the building was closed. Great. Why he waited 4 hours to call I have no idea. We've collected specimens twice now and I know I could have gotten everything he needed at work except for the form that goes with it which I could have filled out today when I dropped it off. Except I had already left work. And he knew that. He told me "We'll figure something out."

I've been feeling rather overwhelmed by a lot of things lately and to add this on top of it made for a rather tearful drive home. It didn't help that when I walked in the door it was immediately evident that still nothing had been done while I was gone. I changed into my PJs and started hauling laundry baskets downstairs and cleaning upstairs. He sat on the couch the entire time without ever saying a word. This went on until about 2am when I finally just went to bed. By 2:30, he still hadn't come in so I went out to ask him if he was coming. He said he would soon. I asked him if he even wanted to be doing this (s/a, heck even having a baby) and he swore up and down that he did. I woke up again at 4am and could still hear him up. I woke up again at 7am and he still wasn't in bed. I got up and realized that he was sleeping in the guest room. Fine. Whatever.

This morning I woke up around 9:30 and could hear that he was up. Honestly, I was surprised. I got up to let the dog out and as I shuffled into the kitchen he mumbled "I canceled the test" then went back into the guest room. I let the dog out and then followed him. I asked him why and he said "I couldn't sleep." Hmmm....helps to go to BED when you're trying to sleep and you KNOW you have things scheduled in the morning - not to mention class this afternoon with homework due that hasn't even been started. I told him that I wished he'd been honest with me from the beginning because he was acting all along like he didn't want to do this and it really made me question the whole TTC thing. I also told him that the clinic likely wouldn't be able to get him in until March now because his s/as needed to be a week apart and they book up fast. By now he had the covers over his head and wouldn't answer me so I just left.

Really, I'm just incredibly hurt over the whole thing and very angry and this and more. Two and a half years ago when James lost his job I had just graduated and agreed to support us while he went back to school. He worked 50-60 hours a week to support us while I went full time. Neither of us knew that the economy would get so bad and that I'd end up having to work two part time jobs to make this work because jobs are so hard to find here in Michigan right now. He was supposed to be done with his program a month ago but because of all of the set backs we're looking at another two years. This isn't fair. He was supposed to be done and working full time by now while I was home with our baby and working part time. I'm really at my limit and feeling very alone here. I don't know what to do.

Oops

I just realized I probably should have put a disclaimer before posting a picture of my new nephew. I'm sorry if it upset anyone. :o( I'm just so close to my family that while it saddens me that it happens so easily for them but not us, I am thankful for the growing family and absolutely dote on the boys. I realize it might have been insensitive though....and I'm sorry!

There's a new man in my life

Well, he's more of a boy right now but I know someday he'll grow into a wonderful man because he comes from a long line of them. Meet Jaden Alan, my brother's second son. Jaden made his grand entrance into the world on 01/01/10 weighing in at 8 lbs 5oz. Everyone is doing well and I can't wait to go visit them in Florida in March. And everything aside with our struggles to get to baby, I really am thrilled for my family. They're wonderful, caring people and fantastic parents already.

So what else has happened in the last two weeks? A lot when I think of it but it's seemed more like day to day things and yet not (weird, I know). Let's try to sum it up:

• My dad, at the age of 56 and only 6 months after a heart attack, ran a full marathon on 01/10 finishing in just 5 hours and 16 minutes. I'm tearing up just typing that because I'm so incredibly proud of him! He just started running 2 or 3 years ago so to have finished a marathon is pretty darn amazing.
• I started back to school this week! I enrolled in an art class and a photography class but ended up dropping the art. It was an online course geared toward learning Photoshop but the instructor didn't even post anything until today - and the semester started on Saturday! Bah. On top of that, this photography class is going to be pretty stinkin' expensive. A new camera, a portable hard drive, photo paper, card reader, jump drive.....you get the idea. I'll go back and take the art if I decide to pursue photography further.
• DH finally made up his mind on which school he wants transfer to and enrolled to finish his last two prereqs to enroll in the LPN to RN program there this fall. It's about time!
• You may or may not have noticed from my ticker at the bottom but at my weigh in yesterday I hit the 20lb mark in my weight loss! I was positively giddy! I've been losing at a decent pace but when I realized that my net loss for December was only 1.6lbs, I really stepped up the exercise and made better food choices last week which obviously paid off huge. I now only have 2.6 lbs to lose before reaching my 10% weight loss goal.
• My dear forever friend Amy moved in back home this past weekend! Amy's dad was our pastor back home for over a decade starting at the beginning of 8th grade for us. We bonded at school, youth group, and on summer mission trips. She'd been living in the UP (upper peninsula) with her now ex-husband and then with her parents after her divorce so we really haven't seen much of each other since I got married. She decided this fall that she wanted to finish her last 19 credits for her BS back down by where we grew up so my parents offered to let her live with them. Since no one else was going to be home, I drove up on Saturday to get her moved in and we had a great time. After we unpacked her Jeep we did a little shopping, had dinner out, and then vegged all day Sunday to a Glee marathon. I'm super excited she's back in the area and finally finishing her education!
  
• Lastly, our house is once again quiet as this little critter has gone home.

Miss Baily Jo is my parents' 3 month old boxer puppy. She came to stay with us for two weeks while they were in Florida for Jaden's birth and Dad's marathon. My animals weren't to sure about her in the beginning because she has exactly two modes: on and off. But she's a sweet little girl and I'd gotten use to the sound of her galloping around the house.

That's about all for now! This coming Tuesday is DH's repeat s/a with his second one the following Tuesday. AF arrived rather promptly at New Year's so after we get the repeat results, we'll really start tracking and trying again. I think. If not next cycle then for sure in March after we get home from Florida and all that. But I promise I'll check in again before that. ;o)