Cycle 11, CD 31
I just had to hide my cousin and her husband on Facebook because they've been posting nonstop the last few days about her being about ready to pop. The smiley face belly pics yesterday put me over the top. She didn't even really want to have kids yet and now she's having a little girl in October just like I always wanted. The little bitch always got everything I wanted when we were kids too. I hope I don't burn in hell for saying that since she's a minister now.
And to top it off, Facebook suggested a girlfriend of mine from high school as a friend to add tonight when I logged on. It's the same friend I posted about complaining that it took them two whole weeks to get pregnant! I didn't add her because I could see that her profile pic was one of her holding her new daughter.
Fuck. Is it wrong to hope she doesn't notice me for awhile?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The results are in...
DH's s/a results came in the mail last weekend. I was at work and got a text message from him saying we needed to talk. I kind of started to panic and called him immediately. He answered the phone and I asked what was going on. He started to stutter a little bit and I cut him off and told him to spit it out already because my heard was pounding out of my chest. So he blurts out "Baby, I'm infertile. I can't get you pregnant." I broke out into a sweat and yelled "Just tell me, are there sperm? Are there ANY sperm?!?" It's probably a good thing I was back in the dark room with the processor running because that would have been a really awkward thing to have to explain to my coworkers.
I got him to run down his numbers with me and while the results were not stellar, I would say they were sub-par at worst, he certainly is not infertile. And I thought I was a drama queen! The two main concerns are that he had 14 WBCs when the normal parameters were 0-5 and that his morphology showed that 40% were tapered. His count was a little low but from what I've read that could just be from the WBCs. So my doc's office called back yesterday to talk about it with me and basically didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know - that he has some sperm that are abnormally shaped and she wants him to see a urologist. Oh yes, and that lovely golden ticket I got last week? Just hold on to that for now dear. Great.
Honestly, I wasn't about to waste 2 rounds of Clomid without getting DH's boys squared away first. There's just no point in making me ovulate better if there's nobody there to meet it! And who's to say that this won't take care of things without needing to move on to Clomid? That wasn't any great surprise but I'm glad to know that we were on the same page.
All that aside....for any of you TTC out there, do you ever have thoughts you know you shouldn't have towards other pregnant women? I have a confession. There is someone I met very briefly from my time on the TTC boards. Her stay was very brief which both relieved and aggravated me at the same time but even in that short period there was something about her that really rubbed me the wrong way. Now I know that it doesn't take any special education to be a parent or to be a good parent for that matter. But she didn't strike me as particularly bright (actually rather ignorant) and while I don't like to judge it didn't sound like they were really in any financial position to be having children. I know, I know...I've heard people say that you can't ever really afford children. Anyway, I'm ashamed to say that I have occasionally over the months secretly followed her on her EDD monthly board. I hadn't checked in on her in awhile but I did today because she's toward the end of her last trimester. I found a post where she referred to her unborn daughter by name and about spit my drink across the room. Honestly? Just sign the girl up for stripper classes now. Oh yes, and prepare for the hatred that will come because honey, as original as it may be, she will hate you for it. Especially if she ever decides to over come the short comings of her family roots and apply for med or law school some day.
Okay, I know I'm getting snarky now. I can't help it. This is my outlet and I'm airing it out. But here's my point: why her? Why does she get to spend the upcoming holidays holding her little girl in her arms after only trying for a few months (mind you without really the resources to care for the child once it's born) and here we are. Almost a whole fucking year later with a big lot of nothing to show for it. It's not fair. I don't know why this woman and her pregnancy bother me more than any other but they just do. I can't explain it.
I got him to run down his numbers with me and while the results were not stellar, I would say they were sub-par at worst, he certainly is not infertile. And I thought I was a drama queen! The two main concerns are that he had 14 WBCs when the normal parameters were 0-5 and that his morphology showed that 40% were tapered. His count was a little low but from what I've read that could just be from the WBCs. So my doc's office called back yesterday to talk about it with me and basically didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know - that he has some sperm that are abnormally shaped and she wants him to see a urologist. Oh yes, and that lovely golden ticket I got last week? Just hold on to that for now dear. Great.
Honestly, I wasn't about to waste 2 rounds of Clomid without getting DH's boys squared away first. There's just no point in making me ovulate better if there's nobody there to meet it! And who's to say that this won't take care of things without needing to move on to Clomid? That wasn't any great surprise but I'm glad to know that we were on the same page.
All that aside....for any of you TTC out there, do you ever have thoughts you know you shouldn't have towards other pregnant women? I have a confession. There is someone I met very briefly from my time on the TTC boards. Her stay was very brief which both relieved and aggravated me at the same time but even in that short period there was something about her that really rubbed me the wrong way. Now I know that it doesn't take any special education to be a parent or to be a good parent for that matter. But she didn't strike me as particularly bright (actually rather ignorant) and while I don't like to judge it didn't sound like they were really in any financial position to be having children. I know, I know...I've heard people say that you can't ever really afford children. Anyway, I'm ashamed to say that I have occasionally over the months secretly followed her on her EDD monthly board. I hadn't checked in on her in awhile but I did today because she's toward the end of her last trimester. I found a post where she referred to her unborn daughter by name and about spit my drink across the room. Honestly? Just sign the girl up for stripper classes now. Oh yes, and prepare for the hatred that will come because honey, as original as it may be, she will hate you for it. Especially if she ever decides to over come the short comings of her family roots and apply for med or law school some day.
Okay, I know I'm getting snarky now. I can't help it. This is my outlet and I'm airing it out. But here's my point: why her? Why does she get to spend the upcoming holidays holding her little girl in her arms after only trying for a few months (mind you without really the resources to care for the child once it's born) and here we are. Almost a whole fucking year later with a big lot of nothing to show for it. It's not fair. I don't know why this woman and her pregnancy bother me more than any other but they just do. I can't explain it.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Of course!
Cycle 11, CD 24
I seriously am ready to scream! The one month that I finally have a plan to move forward with next month, O is NOWHERE in sight! I've had high readings on my CBEFM since CD 13 and still no peak! Still have fertile CM so I'd have to believe that I didn't miss it somehow. I'm just so frustrated! Maybe it's a blessing in disguise though because DH has been so stressed with school that finding time that we're both home and awake has been challenging. *sigh*
So I guess for now I'm going to get back to basics and work at being healthier. I think I'm going to take advantage of the Weight Watchers special running right now and join again. I've done online before with some success but I've not tried meetings before. And I need to get out my walking shoes again. My sister and sister-in-law want to do a 5K in the Magic Kingdom in March and I totally want to join them. I'm not worried about finishing - I know I can do 5K but there is a pace requirement of 16 miles per hour. That's not terribly challenging but I've been neglecting my exercise for long enough that it would be a little difficult to stick to that.
And now back to waiting....*sigh
I seriously am ready to scream! The one month that I finally have a plan to move forward with next month, O is NOWHERE in sight! I've had high readings on my CBEFM since CD 13 and still no peak! Still have fertile CM so I'd have to believe that I didn't miss it somehow. I'm just so frustrated! Maybe it's a blessing in disguise though because DH has been so stressed with school that finding time that we're both home and awake has been challenging. *sigh*
So I guess for now I'm going to get back to basics and work at being healthier. I think I'm going to take advantage of the Weight Watchers special running right now and join again. I've done online before with some success but I've not tried meetings before. And I need to get out my walking shoes again. My sister and sister-in-law want to do a 5K in the Magic Kingdom in March and I totally want to join them. I'm not worried about finishing - I know I can do 5K but there is a pace requirement of 16 miles per hour. That's not terribly challenging but I've been neglecting my exercise for long enough that it would be a little difficult to stick to that.
And now back to waiting....*sigh
Friday, September 18, 2009
I've got a golden ticket!
Cycle 11, CD 20
Okay, not really a golden ticket but pretty darn close! Today was my follow up with Dr. H after meeting with my NP earlier this summer. I'd never met Dr. H before since she took over for my last doc but I really liked her! This was her first week back from maternity leave and she told me I was her first infertility patient since coming back. :o)
She was pretty happy to see that I was already on a working dose of Metformin, that I am/have been charting and am now using a CBEFM, that DH's s/a results should be available at the beginning of the week, and well basically that I'm pretty informed! So here's the game plan:
1) Continue have my progesterone checked 7 DPO
2) Call the office at the beginning of my next cycle to schedule a CD 12/13 ultrasound
3) Clomid 50mg (!!!!) CD 3-7 next cycle
4) Follow up with her in 2 months if no BFP
JOY!!!! She said that an HSG is recommended before starting Clomid but she conceived on Clomid and declined one before giving it ago so she was comfortable giving me 2 tries while declining the HSG. If no BFP, then we'll have to do it. And even though it will be in the main radiology department (like I was afraid) she actually would be the one to do the exam. Yay!
So going back to my title, I seriously wanted to skip out of the office singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because that's what that Clomid script felt like. I really thought I was going to have to jump through some hoops that I wasn't looking forward to before getting it and honestly I kind of figured that the in between was going to end up being lost time. This feels like a great compromise. Plus, I was really happy to hear that she'd worked with an RE in the past so she's pretty comfortable with the infertility issues. I'm thinking that's why she went ahead with the ultrasound monitoring right away too which is fantastic.
For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually pretty excited about TTC again! :o)
Okay, not really a golden ticket but pretty darn close! Today was my follow up with Dr. H after meeting with my NP earlier this summer. I'd never met Dr. H before since she took over for my last doc but I really liked her! This was her first week back from maternity leave and she told me I was her first infertility patient since coming back. :o)
She was pretty happy to see that I was already on a working dose of Metformin, that I am/have been charting and am now using a CBEFM, that DH's s/a results should be available at the beginning of the week, and well basically that I'm pretty informed! So here's the game plan:
1) Continue have my progesterone checked 7 DPO
2) Call the office at the beginning of my next cycle to schedule a CD 12/13 ultrasound
3) Clomid 50mg (!!!!) CD 3-7 next cycle
4) Follow up with her in 2 months if no BFP
JOY!!!! She said that an HSG is recommended before starting Clomid but she conceived on Clomid and declined one before giving it ago so she was comfortable giving me 2 tries while declining the HSG. If no BFP, then we'll have to do it. And even though it will be in the main radiology department (like I was afraid) she actually would be the one to do the exam. Yay!
So going back to my title, I seriously wanted to skip out of the office singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because that's what that Clomid script felt like. I really thought I was going to have to jump through some hoops that I wasn't looking forward to before getting it and honestly I kind of figured that the in between was going to end up being lost time. This feels like a great compromise. Plus, I was really happy to hear that she'd worked with an RE in the past so she's pretty comfortable with the infertility issues. I'm thinking that's why she went ahead with the ultrasound monitoring right away too which is fantastic.
For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually pretty excited about TTC again! :o)
Friday, September 11, 2009
A Moment to Remember
Today marks the 8th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks here in the US. In the last few years there have been various interviews, articles, and TV programs leading up to and on this date. Yet when I got up today, seemingly the only acknowledgment that this day was any different from others was a series on the History Channel.
While flags may fly at half mast today, it feels like that's exactly where 9/11 has moved to - the history books. To me it feels too soon to have moved on so quickly. Even watching the footage today brings me to tears because it takes me back to that day: the panicked need to know exactly where my loved ones were even though we were no where near the attacks that day and the terror of the unknown that night, of wondering what was to come next and if we could expect more unnecessary carnage.
Unfortunately more carnage has come, whether it was necessary or not I don't think I'm qualified to judge and answer that. And while I don't envy I do respect those required to judge and answer that question. And even beyond that I have the utmost respect and gratitude for those who are willing to face the danger, home and abroad, to protect the lives and safety of the rest of us. There is something so special in the spirits of our military, police, fire fighters, and other emergency responders that certainly sets them apart from the rest. For that, all I can offer is my heartfelt thanks.
No matter how much time continues to pass, I hope none of us forgets what we learned about ourselves that day, about what truly matters in life, and certainly about how we learned to care for those around us without question. The towers may have gone down in a blaze that morning but the spirit and compassion of America was reignited.
While flags may fly at half mast today, it feels like that's exactly where 9/11 has moved to - the history books. To me it feels too soon to have moved on so quickly. Even watching the footage today brings me to tears because it takes me back to that day: the panicked need to know exactly where my loved ones were even though we were no where near the attacks that day and the terror of the unknown that night, of wondering what was to come next and if we could expect more unnecessary carnage.
Unfortunately more carnage has come, whether it was necessary or not I don't think I'm qualified to judge and answer that. And while I don't envy I do respect those required to judge and answer that question. And even beyond that I have the utmost respect and gratitude for those who are willing to face the danger, home and abroad, to protect the lives and safety of the rest of us. There is something so special in the spirits of our military, police, fire fighters, and other emergency responders that certainly sets them apart from the rest. For that, all I can offer is my heartfelt thanks.
No matter how much time continues to pass, I hope none of us forgets what we learned about ourselves that day, about what truly matters in life, and certainly about how we learned to care for those around us without question. The towers may have gone down in a blaze that morning but the spirit and compassion of America was reignited.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
