Hurt and angry

It kind of all started on Sunday when it dawned on me that James' first of two repeat s/a was today and his last "emission" before the test had to be no more than 5 calendar days but no less than 2 days before the test. I called him from work to mention it and he didn't say anything. So I said "Unless you already took care of that." Still nothing. Okay. "Did you take care of that in the last few days?" He finally said "Yeah, after they called Friday to remind me about the appointment." Honestly, I was hurt. I mean, when you're trying to get pregnant, wouldn't you opt for BD vs manual operation - ESPECIALLY since he has no clue where I'm at in my cycle (and yes, this is my window). Not to mention the fact that it's been a few weeks. Then he goes on to tell me that he thinks his infection is back and wants his urine tested first. I told him he'd have to call the urologist on Monday to see if they could just take a quick look without actually seeing the doctor.

He knew I was upset. I know he was trying to make me feel better because he promised to get started on the laundry (piles upon piles of it because I've been so busy lately and James keeps promising (but hasn't) to look at the washer because it keeps spilling water all over the basement floor when it goes through the spin cycle) and clean up the house. I got home Sunday night and nothing had been touched. Nothing. I ended up going to bed barely saying a word because I knew it wouldn't be nice.

Last night I was at work again when I realized that he hadn't gone to pick up a collection kit. I called once at 4:30 and left a message. I called back again at 5:30 and he answered. I told him he needed to go pick up the kit and where to go. He asked how late they were open and I said I knew he could get in to pick one up at least until 6pm but I wasn't sure about any later than that. I asked if he'd gotten into the urologist and he told me he couldn't find the number. Ummm, his card is hanging on the refrigerator door. "Oh." On my way home, at 10:30pm, he called my cell to tell me that he had gotten there at 6:30pm and the building was closed. Great. Why he waited 4 hours to call I have no idea. We've collected specimens twice now and I know I could have gotten everything he needed at work except for the form that goes with it which I could have filled out today when I dropped it off. Except I had already left work. And he knew that. He told me "We'll figure something out."

I've been feeling rather overwhelmed by a lot of things lately and to add this on top of it made for a rather tearful drive home. It didn't help that when I walked in the door it was immediately evident that still nothing had been done while I was gone. I changed into my PJs and started hauling laundry baskets downstairs and cleaning upstairs. He sat on the couch the entire time without ever saying a word. This went on until about 2am when I finally just went to bed. By 2:30, he still hadn't come in so I went out to ask him if he was coming. He said he would soon. I asked him if he even wanted to be doing this (s/a, heck even having a baby) and he swore up and down that he did. I woke up again at 4am and could still hear him up. I woke up again at 7am and he still wasn't in bed. I got up and realized that he was sleeping in the guest room. Fine. Whatever.

This morning I woke up around 9:30 and could hear that he was up. Honestly, I was surprised. I got up to let the dog out and as I shuffled into the kitchen he mumbled "I canceled the test" then went back into the guest room. I let the dog out and then followed him. I asked him why and he said "I couldn't sleep." Hmmm....helps to go to BED when you're trying to sleep and you KNOW you have things scheduled in the morning - not to mention class this afternoon with homework due that hasn't even been started. I told him that I wished he'd been honest with me from the beginning because he was acting all along like he didn't want to do this and it really made me question the whole TTC thing. I also told him that the clinic likely wouldn't be able to get him in until March now because his s/as needed to be a week apart and they book up fast. By now he had the covers over his head and wouldn't answer me so I just left.

Really, I'm just incredibly hurt over the whole thing and very angry and this and more. Two and a half years ago when James lost his job I had just graduated and agreed to support us while he went back to school. He worked 50-60 hours a week to support us while I went full time. Neither of us knew that the economy would get so bad and that I'd end up having to work two part time jobs to make this work because jobs are so hard to find here in Michigan right now. He was supposed to be done with his program a month ago but because of all of the set backs we're looking at another two years. This isn't fair. He was supposed to be done and working full time by now while I was home with our baby and working part time. I'm really at my limit and feeling very alone here. I don't know what to do.