Friday, May 21, 2010

End of the road

Some of you may have seen this coming. I know I have for a long time. There will be no more TTC talk for me, at least not in the near future. I've asked my husband for a divorce. Our marriage has not been well for a long time and I'm finally cutting ties to move on. At the point we started TTC, I thought we were moving forward together. The longer it took, the more I realize I was desperately trying to force him to grow up when he really didn't want to. But I think this whole process has only helped me to see how flawed our relationship was. The one common thread among all of you was how wonderful and supportive your husbands were in the process. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. We've basically been pleasant roommates for the better part of a year now. I want more. I deserve more. And I know I'll find it. I'm free now and there's so much happiness waiting for me. Thank you all for your friendship and I wish you nothing but happiness on your journeys forward.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Was it really that bad?!?1

I know - I fall of the face of the earth for a whole month and then back to back entries! Go figure! But I'm frustrated and kind of hurt so hopefully you ladies can help me figure some of this out.

DH and I were stretched out on the couch watching TV and casually debating whether or not to put in central air this summer. DH doesn't think we need it (we live in Michigan) because the summers generally aren't too bad. However, there are days that it gets in the upper 80s/low 90s and our house retains that heat so much that it easily nears 100 in the house at times. And especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, I just can NOT handle that. DH pointed out that I'm easily 45 lbs lighter than last summer and that would help with the heat. I made the comment that I wouldn't be pregnant this summer either. DH scolded me and I said "Well, it's true."

He kind of got quiet and a little tense so I asked if he was okay. He said yes and I said "Really?" All the sudden he said "You know what - no, I'm not." Then he got up, threw a pillow across the room and told me never to say something that stupid again before he stormed out of the room. Now he's actually locked himself in our computer room and refuses to talk to me.

I don't get it - it's not just a matter of attitude, it's essentially fact. The urologist felt his numbers were poor enough that if nothing changed even an IUI wouldn't be an option and we'd have to skip right to IVF. Okaaay...so barring a miracle conception, no, I will not be pregnant this summer. And he's not done much to change that. For heaven sake he even laughs it off when I remind him (daily) to take his pills and hell, even EAT a meal!

So what was so bad about what I said? I wasn't assigning blame. I wasn't taking a stab at him. It was just a matter of fact. And actually, I was just thinking last night that if we're going to do a half marathon, we probably won't start TTC again until next spring. As it is, it'll be at least this fall if not the end of the year to see a change in his s/a results from healthy lifestyle changes. *sigh* And I thought I was hormonal right now.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This one is gonna hurt

I really haven't meant to be absent for so long! I know I say that each time but I really do mean it. There really isn't news to report on the TTC front except to say that right now we really aren't. It frustrates me but right now it's out of my hands. DH still really hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's a 40 year old adult who needs to be taking care of himself. It's pretty much a daily struggle for me not to just flip out on him over it and sometimes I'm not successful. I guess it'll either happen or it won't.

But even that aside, I've decided that I'm going to do something productive with my time instead of just stewing about it. I'll admit that even though I still am not sure how much I like running, I've been bitten by the race bug. I ran my second 5K with my family a week and a half ago and cut 5 minutes off my time! We've signed up for a 5K Memorial Day weekend and I'm hoping to get under 40 minutes this time and run most if not all of it this time. I know it's going to be an emotional run though because it'll be what I call my dad's redemption run. It's the race he couldn't finish last year because he had a heart attack a mile in. Even though he went on to run a marathon in January, there's something to be said for finishing what you start. And with him as my inspiration, I've asked my sisters to run the Disney Princess half marathon with me in March instead of the 5K. I've got lots of time to train and the determination to do it. So I'm excited. :o)

Now for my blog title....in the middle of all my grandma's illness last month, my cousin who has been living with her for the last year and a half got picked up on a parole violation. Part of the condition of his parole is that he's not supposed to have access to computers but Grandma decided she really missed having one last year and bought a laptop. It stays in her room and only has her Quicken books and email on it. But it was still in the house and shouldn't have been. And his parole officer got tipped off on it so he's headed back to prison. Then a few weeks later his fiancee who also lives with him and Grandma found out she was pregnant. *sigh*

She's a really sweet girl. She's been there taking care of the house and most of what my grandma has needed when she moved to rehab and taking care of her at home now that she's out. We've really become good friends and I've tried to be there for both her and my cousin through all of this. My cousin really has taken full responsibility for the mistakes he made and done what he can to make up for everything. But she has PCOS like I do and the whole circumstance that she's in now (not married, him being gone for who knows how long, recently lost her job, etc) just makes my heart hurt. I gave her the number for my ob/gyn again because I know she'll be in great hands there. Her first prenatal appointment is next Tuesday and I offered to go with her. Last week they asked me to be the baby's godmother.

I'm going to be there for her as best I can because it's the right thing to do and I know she doesn't really have a great support system anywhere else. But it's going to hurt like hell. I've shared some with her about our IF but I don't know if she really understands how bittersweet this is all going to be for me. I guess I just always thought the first prenatal appointment I went to would be for me.....