So much for relaxing!

Cycle 8, CD2

Cycle eight. Cycle EIGHT! Seriously. Somewhere in my mind I didn't think it would happen this month but I guess there as an assumption too that really if I just relaxed and didn't stress, it would happen. It didn't. So enough already, I'm ready to take the next step. Here's the plan:

1. I'm calling the OB/GYN on Tuesday to make an appointment. DH would like an s/a and I'd like to talk Clomid. I've also been having some dull aching on my left side so I'm wondering about another ultrasound since it's been a few years.

2. I'm going to start temping again in the morning. I'm also ordering more PreSeed and OPKs. I need to get back to really pinpointing O if I'm going to figure out if I really do have a shorter LP.

3. I have to lose weight. Have to. That includes eating the way I know is going to serve me better and exercising.

4. I need to get DH in to a doctor for his own preconception visit in addition to the s/a. He understands that he needs to change some of his habits to help move this along too but it's not sinking in. He needs to hear it from someone other than me that he needs to make changes.

I know there's more to all of this but it's late, I'm exhausted, and I just can't think any more. :o(

Whiling away another 1WW

Cycle 7, 8 DPO

I say whiling but really it's more like dragging myself through. This was supposed to be my stress free cycle but now that I'm getting closer to AF I'm getting more wound up. It doesn't help that I'm working 6 days a week and trying to get a bunch of stuff done here at home. On top of that, I think I'm getting sick. :o(

Overall, I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I guess the worrying is just in my nature. My biggest mistake was probably taking the OPK this month and knowing when I was Oing. We may have a shot but I'm not terribly optimistic. After 6 cycles, I've had to learn to just assume that this cycle isn't it. I know it's probably better to keep a positive attitude but I just get too hopeful. I've found too many ways to find signs that this was meant to be our month....like when my EDD would have been our anniversary and later my grandpa's birthday or when we would have been able to make our announcement at Christmas or Valentine's Day. It's just all too much any more.

Right now I'm trying to decide if I'm willing to give myself one more "stress free" month or not. The biggest downside to it is that depending on when my O falls, I could end up getting AF to end our 8th cycle on my 30th birthday. I've already been slightly freaked out over completing another decade and I think I might just completely lose it if it wasn't a successful cycle. The upside if we really do try and finally get it right, well, that would be a pretty freakin' awesome birthday present. :o)

Cycle 7, CD?

So I threw the thermometer in the drawer for this cycle and probably next as well. I just couldn't take it any more. It's been too hard when I know I'm Oing and we don't do anything about it. So I had to just say fuck it for awhile. It wasn't half bad until my brother told me today that their expecting again. Which has prompted tonight's pity party.....

Why is this taking so long?
Why can other people get pregnant on the pill....twice?
Why can some people announce their pregnancies almost instantly without thought to whether or not it'll stick?
Why am I so terrified of finally getting pregnant and losing it?
Why can't my body do the one thing it's supposed to do as a woman?
Why does my mom have to say things like "If you ever have kids..."?
Why is it getting harder and harder to be happy for other people's pregnancies/babies?
Why are there so many fucking pregnant woman and babies around me?!?!
Why did I buy so many damn baby patterns?
Why I don't have anyone I can talk to about all this?
Why are the tears right under the surface at the worst times?
Why can't I let it go?