Can't believe it's been this long...

Cycle 6, CD 22

Wow, I can't believe that I'm back now writing half way through cycle 6.

It's kind of funny that each month there's been something that would have been special had it been our turn. Cycle 2 would have let us make our big announcement at Christmas and given us an EDD on our anniversary, cycle 3 would have been a birthday surprise to announce for my mom, cycle 4 would have been a Valentine's Day present, and last month would have given us an EDD on my grandpa's birthday. The last one was even more special because since we started trying and he died, I've been thinking that our little boy middle name should be for grandpa.

Now we're here: our last chance for a 2009 baby. And it's not going to happen. I can't blame DH for getting stage fright. But for all the talk about really being ready and not caring if this ends up being a Christmas baby because he just really wants a baby....well, you'd think he'd be a little more willing and eager. It makes me worry that some day down the road if we needed to do IUI or IVF, DH wouldn't be able to handle the pressure. *sigh*

Next month is my last chance to get a BFP before I turn 30. That really freaks me out. But as much as that freaks me out, I think I need to just stop for a few months. I can't keep pouring the emotional effort into trying to do this when the other half of the equation isn't there. And it's not just the stage fright, it's the life style changes that aren't being made to make this optimal or even to prepare for our future little one. So I think for the next few months I'm just going to concentrate on me. I got a new treadmill last week and I really do want to be in better shape to have a baby. I won't prevent, but I'm putting away my thermomator, charting, and OPKs. I'm going to be better myself and put the rest in God's hands for awhile.