End of the road

Some of you may have seen this coming. I know I have for a long time. There will be no more TTC talk for me, at least not in the near future. I've asked my husband for a divorce. Our marriage has not been well for a long time and I'm finally cutting ties to move on. At the point we started TTC, I thought we were moving forward together. The longer it took, the more I realize I was desperately trying to force him to grow up when he really didn't want to. But I think this whole process has only helped me to see how flawed our relationship was. The one common thread among all of you was how wonderful and supportive your husbands were in the process. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. We've basically been pleasant roommates for the better part of a year now. I want more. I deserve more. And I know I'll find it. I'm free now and there's so much happiness waiting for me. Thank you all for your friendship and I wish you nothing but happiness on your journeys forward.

Was it really that bad?!?1

I know - I fall of the face of the earth for a whole month and then back to back entries! Go figure! But I'm frustrated and kind of hurt so hopefully you ladies can help me figure some of this out.

DH and I were stretched out on the couch watching TV and casually debating whether or not to put in central air this summer. DH doesn't think we need it (we live in Michigan) because the summers generally aren't too bad. However, there are days that it gets in the upper 80s/low 90s and our house retains that heat so much that it easily nears 100 in the house at times. And especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, I just can NOT handle that. DH pointed out that I'm easily 45 lbs lighter than last summer and that would help with the heat. I made the comment that I wouldn't be pregnant this summer either. DH scolded me and I said "Well, it's true."

He kind of got quiet and a little tense so I asked if he was okay. He said yes and I said "Really?" All the sudden he said "You know what - no, I'm not." Then he got up, threw a pillow across the room and told me never to say something that stupid again before he stormed out of the room. Now he's actually locked himself in our computer room and refuses to talk to me.

I don't get it - it's not just a matter of attitude, it's essentially fact. The urologist felt his numbers were poor enough that if nothing changed even an IUI wouldn't be an option and we'd have to skip right to IVF. Okaaay...so barring a miracle conception, no, I will not be pregnant this summer. And he's not done much to change that. For heaven sake he even laughs it off when I remind him (daily) to take his pills and hell, even EAT a meal!

So what was so bad about what I said? I wasn't assigning blame. I wasn't taking a stab at him. It was just a matter of fact. And actually, I was just thinking last night that if we're going to do a half marathon, we probably won't start TTC again until next spring. As it is, it'll be at least this fall if not the end of the year to see a change in his s/a results from healthy lifestyle changes. *sigh* And I thought I was hormonal right now.

This one is gonna hurt

I really haven't meant to be absent for so long! I know I say that each time but I really do mean it. There really isn't news to report on the TTC front except to say that right now we really aren't. It frustrates me but right now it's out of my hands. DH still really hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's a 40 year old adult who needs to be taking care of himself. It's pretty much a daily struggle for me not to just flip out on him over it and sometimes I'm not successful. I guess it'll either happen or it won't.

But even that aside, I've decided that I'm going to do something productive with my time instead of just stewing about it. I'll admit that even though I still am not sure how much I like running, I've been bitten by the race bug. I ran my second 5K with my family a week and a half ago and cut 5 minutes off my time! We've signed up for a 5K Memorial Day weekend and I'm hoping to get under 40 minutes this time and run most if not all of it this time. I know it's going to be an emotional run though because it'll be what I call my dad's redemption run. It's the race he couldn't finish last year because he had a heart attack a mile in. Even though he went on to run a marathon in January, there's something to be said for finishing what you start. And with him as my inspiration, I've asked my sisters to run the Disney Princess half marathon with me in March instead of the 5K. I've got lots of time to train and the determination to do it. So I'm excited. :o)

Now for my blog title....in the middle of all my grandma's illness last month, my cousin who has been living with her for the last year and a half got picked up on a parole violation. Part of the condition of his parole is that he's not supposed to have access to computers but Grandma decided she really missed having one last year and bought a laptop. It stays in her room and only has her Quicken books and email on it. But it was still in the house and shouldn't have been. And his parole officer got tipped off on it so he's headed back to prison. Then a few weeks later his fiancee who also lives with him and Grandma found out she was pregnant. *sigh*

She's a really sweet girl. She's been there taking care of the house and most of what my grandma has needed when she moved to rehab and taking care of her at home now that she's out. We've really become good friends and I've tried to be there for both her and my cousin through all of this. My cousin really has taken full responsibility for the mistakes he made and done what he can to make up for everything. But she has PCOS like I do and the whole circumstance that she's in now (not married, him being gone for who knows how long, recently lost her job, etc) just makes my heart hurt. I gave her the number for my ob/gyn again because I know she'll be in great hands there. Her first prenatal appointment is next Tuesday and I offered to go with her. Last week they asked me to be the baby's godmother.

I'm going to be there for her as best I can because it's the right thing to do and I know she doesn't really have a great support system anywhere else. But it's going to hurt like hell. I've shared some with her about our IF but I don't know if she really understands how bittersweet this is all going to be for me. I guess I just always thought the first prenatal appointment I went to would be for me.....

ONDERLAND!!

I just have to put this out there because I'm so so excited!!! Today at my weigh in I entered the wonderful world of Onderland. For those of you not up on Weight Watchers lingo, it means that I am no longer a 200 lb+ woman. I don't think that's happened since I was in high school. I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. The year I was diagnosed with PCOS I gained over 60 lbs in probably 8 months. Ouch.

No more!!!! Someday when I finally get my baby bump, I'll be proud to show it off. Right now I'm down 35.8 and I really hope to be down 50 by the time DH gets reevaluated. He's taking his vitamins and supplements and while he hasn't gotten to eating a fruit and a veggie everyday, he's been eating at least one or the other for the last few days. Baby steps though I guess, right?

Our trip, his appointment, and a family crisis

I've been bad, I know. It's been a month since a posted and a lot has happened. I'll try not to ramble on too long!

First, our Florida trip! We went to visit my brother and his family the first week of March. Even though it was a cooler than normal, we still had a great time. We met the new baby and tried to keep up with my older nephew who isn't quite 2 yet. My SIL and I walked/jogged in our first 5K at Epcot and it was absolutely fantastic! We were having so much fun talking and taking in the sights that I didn't have time to worry about how far we'd gone and finishing.


Yes, we wore our tiaras. And I really felt like a princess when we were done. The last picture is of us approaching the finish line and I just love how happy we both look. It was an incredibly uplifting and empowering day that I'll be drawing strength from for a long time.

Now the appointment. DH had his follow up appointment today with the urologist to discuss his s/a. His count on the first was okay but not great and his count the on the second a week later was terrible. And in both tests showed a lot of white blood cells still as well as too many abnormally shaped sperm. It's bad enough that the urologist didn't even feel that an IUI would be successful. At this point, the major culprit is DH's life style. He doesn't like to eat and trying to get him to eat fruits and veggies is pretty much out of the question. He smokes about a pack a day and drinks far, far too much beer. The doc gave him a list of supplements to buy, a prescription for more antibiotics, and orders to get it together (eat right, quit smoking and drinking). When pushed for an answer as to what could be causing the inflammation/white blood cells, the doc tossed out a few ideas one of which was the possibility that DH is allergic to our animals. For whatever reason, DH latched right on to that despite having no other symptoms. Whatever. I'll be damned if I'm getting rid of my "babies" without proof that it's necessary. I told him that he needs to try getting healthy before I'm willing to even consider the animals as an issue. Obviously I can't force DH to make these changes but I can encourage him to make small changes. So for this week I asked him to to try eat at least one fruit and one vegetable each day along with two small meals. He seems to want to do this and with the big 4-0 looming in a few weeks, I think it's hitting home a little harder.

The family crisis. A week ago my grandma was found unresponsive in her bed. She's 75 years old and in pretty darn good health so it was a shock. After some testing and cracking her chest open, they found out she had a dissecting aorta. Pretty scary. She was in surgery a really long time because they couldn't get her to stop bleeding but they were finally able to close her up and get her up to ICU. The whole (24 of us at least!) family nearby camped out in the surgical waiting room until we knew she'd at least made it. We didn't get home until after 5am Friday morning. The first 24 hours were a little touchy but day by day she's made fantastic progress. Tonight she was sitting up in the chair, eating her dinner, and sounding a lot like her normal self. By the end of the week she should be able to move in to a rehab center. She's an amazing woman. But then again, anyone who could raise my dad and his two brothers (all whom are less than a year apart) would have to be pretty darn fantastic!

And lastly, on a little side note about me....my weight loss is now up to 33 lbs! I had a small gain last week because of the whole camping out at the hospital thing but I'm fine with it. These next 2 pounds are super important to me because it will put me under 200 lbs for the first time in my adult life. I was pleasantly surprised this week at my Weight Watchers meeting when my leader asked me and another guy to hang out for a minute because she had something for us. Turns out, she wants us both to apply for the Weight Watchers 2010 Role Model of the Year! I have to submit pictures and a 400 word essay with my application but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. I'm only a third of the way to my goal but I really have confidence in myself that I can do it. And heck, if I win a role model award then I pretty much have to get to goal this time, right?

He Did It!

I'm shocked! Today was the first of DH's s/a appointments that had been *ahem* postponed. He finally went to get a collection kit yesterday and had a heck of a time getting one. I know he didn't sleep much if at all last night. That was his own fault though because he's ditched any progress he'd made in a "normal" sleep pattern. I ended up having to go for some training at work this morning so I wasn't home to take the specimen in as planned. I called home after I got out at 11:40 and was heading to my Weight Watchers meeting but I got the machine. His appointment was 11am so I half expected that he was in bed. I tried his cell any way and was really surprised when he answered.

Not only was he at the hospital, he'd been running around for a half hour trying to figure out where his specimen was supposed to go. Seems that they had closed/moved the fertility center about a month ago. But no one bothered to let us know that. And no one seemed terribly concerned that my husband was running around with a little cup of sperm in his pocket desperate to hand it off to someone before time ran out. He was directed to no less than 5 different places trying to discretely explain himself before finally arriving where he needed to go. I really do give him a lot of credit for this morning, I know it was frustrating and somewhat embarrassing. This is the same hospital that I work for so you can bet that I'm going to be giving someone an earful tomorrow as to why no one bothered to call us with new directions. Especially since DH told me that the first place he tried told him he was the third person that morning to come in trying to find out what had happened to the fertility center.

So we'll see what happens. Next Tuesday is his second s/a and we leave for Florida the following week. I doubt that we'll hear anything until after we get home. But at least it will finally be done!

Maybe

DH told me last night that he'd tried to quit smoking again on Saturday while I was working my long day. He seems to think that quitting cold turkey by just staying in bed and locking himself away from the world is the best way to go. Whatever works for him I guess. The part that took me by surprise was the comment "Well, I should have done it a long time ago but if we're going to have a baby I have to quit." Hmmmm....maybe he thinks about it more than he lets on.

Guess We're Even

I just got home from a rather long shift and well, work week for me (my "weekends" are Tuesdays and Wednesdays typically) to find the first status update in my news feed was from someone I went to high school with spouting off about how she could care less about people's Farmville crap. I'll admit, I play. Guilty. I enjoy some mindless entertainment.

I find it interesting that she'd rather bitch about it than just hide the app from her news feed. But I guess that makes us even because I really don't give a shit about the boring crap her kids are doing OR the brainless things she and her moron husband do when they're drunk with said kids in the apartment. Oh yes, and then let's tell the world about it on Facebook - complete with pictures! Parents of the world folks.

Yeah, I'm tired. And bitchy. Oh well.

Just checking in...

Not a whole lot going on. DH's second s/a was scheduled for last Tuesday and he was insisting that he was still going to do it even though he missed his first one the week before. I flat out told him I was not paying $150 for this one test if his doctor didn't okay doing a single test instead of two. So he finally calls his urologist's office - half an hour before his s/a appointment- and makes his appeal to the nurse. She flat out told him that the doctor wouldn't even look at the results if it wasn't done the way he'd ordered it. I'd been pretty confident of that all along and had absolutely no delusions that he'd be going in last week. So now it's rescheduled for 2/16 and 2/23. We'll see what happens but I'm not holding my breath any more.

Of course not only did he promise that he really did want to do this but also blurted out that he was going to quit smoking too. I've been hearing that for oh, eight years now. Actions speak louder than words. We had a brief exchange over the weekend that I think finally registered with him. He was telling me about all these things he was going to do while I was working my 12 hour shift the next day but it was the same stuff he'd been telling me he was going to do for the last 3 days. I finally just turned to him and said "Hon, I can't just trust your words any more because you don't follow through. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear at the time and then go on your merry way. Show me I can count on you by doing things and telling me afterward." I could see by the shock on his face that he finally gets it - just telling me he's going to do things doesn't make me happy. He's taken care of a few things around the house since then that I've been asking him to for a long time so we'll see what happens from here.

As for me, I'm just focusing on taking care of things that I can right now. My weight loss is still moving along and as of today, I've lost 25 lbs on Weight Watchers. My 5K training got off track for a few weeks because of some tendinitis in my foot but I climbed back on my treadmill last night after work and huffed and puffed my way through a work out. I still have a month and I'm not nearly as terrified of getting picked up for not keeping pace any more. Plus, I'm seriously looking forward to buying some new warm weather clothes when we go! AF should be here in a day or two but I'm expecting that. Honestly, I haven't been doing anything in the TTC department. I'm aware of my fertile time just because CM is almost impossible not to notice now that I got use to checking it. But that's about it. And I'm okay with that. For now. ;o)

Hurt and angry

It kind of all started on Sunday when it dawned on me that James' first of two repeat s/a was today and his last "emission" before the test had to be no more than 5 calendar days but no less than 2 days before the test. I called him from work to mention it and he didn't say anything. So I said "Unless you already took care of that." Still nothing. Okay. "Did you take care of that in the last few days?" He finally said "Yeah, after they called Friday to remind me about the appointment." Honestly, I was hurt. I mean, when you're trying to get pregnant, wouldn't you opt for BD vs manual operation - ESPECIALLY since he has no clue where I'm at in my cycle (and yes, this is my window). Not to mention the fact that it's been a few weeks. Then he goes on to tell me that he thinks his infection is back and wants his urine tested first. I told him he'd have to call the urologist on Monday to see if they could just take a quick look without actually seeing the doctor.

He knew I was upset. I know he was trying to make me feel better because he promised to get started on the laundry (piles upon piles of it because I've been so busy lately and James keeps promising (but hasn't) to look at the washer because it keeps spilling water all over the basement floor when it goes through the spin cycle) and clean up the house. I got home Sunday night and nothing had been touched. Nothing. I ended up going to bed barely saying a word because I knew it wouldn't be nice.

Last night I was at work again when I realized that he hadn't gone to pick up a collection kit. I called once at 4:30 and left a message. I called back again at 5:30 and he answered. I told him he needed to go pick up the kit and where to go. He asked how late they were open and I said I knew he could get in to pick one up at least until 6pm but I wasn't sure about any later than that. I asked if he'd gotten into the urologist and he told me he couldn't find the number. Ummm, his card is hanging on the refrigerator door. "Oh." On my way home, at 10:30pm, he called my cell to tell me that he had gotten there at 6:30pm and the building was closed. Great. Why he waited 4 hours to call I have no idea. We've collected specimens twice now and I know I could have gotten everything he needed at work except for the form that goes with it which I could have filled out today when I dropped it off. Except I had already left work. And he knew that. He told me "We'll figure something out."

I've been feeling rather overwhelmed by a lot of things lately and to add this on top of it made for a rather tearful drive home. It didn't help that when I walked in the door it was immediately evident that still nothing had been done while I was gone. I changed into my PJs and started hauling laundry baskets downstairs and cleaning upstairs. He sat on the couch the entire time without ever saying a word. This went on until about 2am when I finally just went to bed. By 2:30, he still hadn't come in so I went out to ask him if he was coming. He said he would soon. I asked him if he even wanted to be doing this (s/a, heck even having a baby) and he swore up and down that he did. I woke up again at 4am and could still hear him up. I woke up again at 7am and he still wasn't in bed. I got up and realized that he was sleeping in the guest room. Fine. Whatever.

This morning I woke up around 9:30 and could hear that he was up. Honestly, I was surprised. I got up to let the dog out and as I shuffled into the kitchen he mumbled "I canceled the test" then went back into the guest room. I let the dog out and then followed him. I asked him why and he said "I couldn't sleep." Hmmm....helps to go to BED when you're trying to sleep and you KNOW you have things scheduled in the morning - not to mention class this afternoon with homework due that hasn't even been started. I told him that I wished he'd been honest with me from the beginning because he was acting all along like he didn't want to do this and it really made me question the whole TTC thing. I also told him that the clinic likely wouldn't be able to get him in until March now because his s/as needed to be a week apart and they book up fast. By now he had the covers over his head and wouldn't answer me so I just left.

Really, I'm just incredibly hurt over the whole thing and very angry and this and more. Two and a half years ago when James lost his job I had just graduated and agreed to support us while he went back to school. He worked 50-60 hours a week to support us while I went full time. Neither of us knew that the economy would get so bad and that I'd end up having to work two part time jobs to make this work because jobs are so hard to find here in Michigan right now. He was supposed to be done with his program a month ago but because of all of the set backs we're looking at another two years. This isn't fair. He was supposed to be done and working full time by now while I was home with our baby and working part time. I'm really at my limit and feeling very alone here. I don't know what to do.

Oops

I just realized I probably should have put a disclaimer before posting a picture of my new nephew. I'm sorry if it upset anyone. :o( I'm just so close to my family that while it saddens me that it happens so easily for them but not us, I am thankful for the growing family and absolutely dote on the boys. I realize it might have been insensitive though....and I'm sorry!

There's a new man in my life

Well, he's more of a boy right now but I know someday he'll grow into a wonderful man because he comes from a long line of them. Meet Jaden Alan, my brother's second son. Jaden made his grand entrance into the world on 01/01/10 weighing in at 8 lbs 5oz. Everyone is doing well and I can't wait to go visit them in Florida in March. And everything aside with our struggles to get to baby, I really am thrilled for my family. They're wonderful, caring people and fantastic parents already.

So what else has happened in the last two weeks? A lot when I think of it but it's seemed more like day to day things and yet not (weird, I know). Let's try to sum it up:

• My dad, at the age of 56 and only 6 months after a heart attack, ran a full marathon on 01/10 finishing in just 5 hours and 16 minutes. I'm tearing up just typing that because I'm so incredibly proud of him! He just started running 2 or 3 years ago so to have finished a marathon is pretty darn amazing.
• I started back to school this week! I enrolled in an art class and a photography class but ended up dropping the art. It was an online course geared toward learning Photoshop but the instructor didn't even post anything until today - and the semester started on Saturday! Bah. On top of that, this photography class is going to be pretty stinkin' expensive. A new camera, a portable hard drive, photo paper, card reader, jump drive.....you get the idea. I'll go back and take the art if I decide to pursue photography further.
• DH finally made up his mind on which school he wants transfer to and enrolled to finish his last two prereqs to enroll in the LPN to RN program there this fall. It's about time!
• You may or may not have noticed from my ticker at the bottom but at my weigh in yesterday I hit the 20lb mark in my weight loss! I was positively giddy! I've been losing at a decent pace but when I realized that my net loss for December was only 1.6lbs, I really stepped up the exercise and made better food choices last week which obviously paid off huge. I now only have 2.6 lbs to lose before reaching my 10% weight loss goal.
• My dear forever friend Amy moved in back home this past weekend! Amy's dad was our pastor back home for over a decade starting at the beginning of 8th grade for us. We bonded at school, youth group, and on summer mission trips. She'd been living in the UP (upper peninsula) with her now ex-husband and then with her parents after her divorce so we really haven't seen much of each other since I got married. She decided this fall that she wanted to finish her last 19 credits for her BS back down by where we grew up so my parents offered to let her live with them. Since no one else was going to be home, I drove up on Saturday to get her moved in and we had a great time. After we unpacked her Jeep we did a little shopping, had dinner out, and then vegged all day Sunday to a Glee marathon. I'm super excited she's back in the area and finally finishing her education!
  
• Lastly, our house is once again quiet as this little critter has gone home.

Miss Baily Jo is my parents' 3 month old boxer puppy. She came to stay with us for two weeks while they were in Florida for Jaden's birth and Dad's marathon. My animals weren't to sure about her in the beginning because she has exactly two modes: on and off. But she's a sweet little girl and I'd gotten use to the sound of her galloping around the house.

That's about all for now! This coming Tuesday is DH's repeat s/a with his second one the following Tuesday. AF arrived rather promptly at New Year's so after we get the repeat results, we'll really start tracking and trying again. I think. If not next cycle then for sure in March after we get home from Florida and all that. But I promise I'll check in again before that. ;o)

Grumpy

Okay, so maybe grumpy is saying it soft - I'm just plain pissed off. I'm not really sure at what exactly, it just seems to be a lot of little things all at once. Like having to haul all of the groceries in the house by myself yet again after fighting a mob of people at the store. Then finding that my mom & dad's puppy that we're watching had pooped in the guest room because DH didn't close the door. Then finding it still there after I loudly pointed it out and went to use the bathroom myself. Seeing the earliest twinges of spotting when I went to the bathroom. DH shrugging off actually doing anything for NYE (not that I was really that into it but I'm sick of being the one to make all the plans and then having him just sit there like a bump on a log). And then the neighbors started in with the damn fireworks - AGAIN. Oh yes, then I remembered this was the NYE we were supposed to be in NYC celebrating DH's graduation and RN license. Joy.

Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. I'm pretty sure this is just AF talking because I'm like seriously angry at a whole lot of nothing. But it still didn't stop me from picking up the phone and calling the cops on my pyro happy neighbors. I mean, I get July 4th and even NYE but seriously, when did Halloween become a fireworks worthy holiday? I guess I'd just rather not get my house burned down by some drunken idiots setting off professional sized fireworks in a heavily populated residential area, KWIM?

Blah and screw 2009 anyway.

Add another one to the list

Last night on Facebook I came across an old friend of ours that we have not seen or heard from in 6 1/2 years. She was a friend of DH's before he and I met and actually is part of the chain that let to us meeting. J is the mother of my high school boyfriend's daughter but they haven't been together since about the time she was born 10 years ago. She introduced DH and the ex BF so DH could rent a room from the ex and ex could make his child support payments. Following so far? So when I moved back in with my parents 8 years ago, ex caught wind of it and called me trying to rekindle things. I called back, trying to very nicely tell him I was not interested and DH answered the phone (roomies, remember?) and as he was passing the phone to ex, made the comment I sounded cute. Ex said "Hello?" and I said "What did he just say?" Ex started laughing and handed the phone back to DH. We talked for 45 minutes, he asked if I wanted to catch a movie and we've been together ever since (much to the dismay of ex).

Okay, back to our friend J. She had just gotten engaged to someone else, M, when I met DH and was getting married the following year. DH proposed 9ish months later and we set a date for 3 months after J & M were getting married. She and I ended up bonding over wedding plans and hating on the ex BF (really rather funny and made ex completely crazy).

So today she confirms my friend request and sent me a bubbly note about how she's in the last weeks of her pregnancy and this time next month she'll be holding her beautiful twin girls. Looking over the rest of her profile, these will be children 4 and 5 for her. And what could I say? I told her where we're living, where I work, and what DH is doing in school. "No kids yet, but hopefully soon!" Right.

Great, so that makes FOUR people I know due in the next 3 weeks. Fantastic. This whole waiting for my turn thing is wearing my patience thin. I realize we haven't been actively trying in the last few months but I guess that's kind of part of the process when it goes on this long, don't you think? I figure that we;ve got another full cycle until we get DH's s/a results back then we'll give the Clomid a shot and go from there. The longing for a baby is still there, it just hurts too much to put the effort in without results any more.

One moment please!

Please pardon the crappy look of my blog for a bit. I'm trying to learn how to format my blog with all those pretty backgrounds everyone else seems to have and well, I'm having issues that I don't have time to fix right now.

Pssst...would it be really bad to admit that I actually use to be able to write HTML in high school? Ugh.

Oh how the time flies!

I know I've been an absent blogger lately. Life's just been busy I suppose. I've been sick for most of the last week which sucks but at least it happened after Thanksgiving. My brother and his family were up from Florida including my 17 month old nephew. I know a lot of women have talked about how hard it was to see other family member's children and pregnant bellies. For some reason I was fine with it. I loved sitting on the floor playing with him, seeing how quickly he learns things now, and especially when he picked my lap to crawl in when he was sleepy. My brother and I talked the night before they flew up and he was telling me how my SIL is not one of those women who adores being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, she loves being a mother and is pretty darn good at it too but the actual pregnancy thing is not her gig. I finally ended up telling him that DH and I have been trying for over a year. SIL has gotten pregnant twice on the pill now and while I know pregnancy isn't an easy thing, maybe it's harder to appreciate when it's come so easily to her. My brother was incredibly understanding and supportive and maybe that's part of what makes it easier not to begrudge them for their super fertility.

Even though I'm not feeling great I did drag our Christmas tree upstairs last night. I work a lot this month and I guess I figured if I didn't get it up soon, it wouldn't get put up at all. Plus I figured that it would spur me into dragging everything else out too. So I unzip the tree bag and the first thing I see is a stocking. A light green and white classic Pooh stocking I had bought on clearance at the end of the season last year. I figured it would work for a boy or a girl and still being relatively new to TTC, I was sure we'd have a baby by this time or at the very least be pregnant. Ha!

I do have some news on that front though. DH had his follow up with the urologist. The WBCs are gone which is awesome! So now we're scheduling the back to back s/a and we'll go from there. And even though AF dropped by yesterday, it was the first time ever that I've had a "perfect" 28 day cycle! Even though I haven't been tracking at all, I was pretty sure I Oed earlier this month and it looks like I was right. I attribute it to recent weight loss (11.6 pounds as of Tuesday) and exercising more. I think we're going to let nature take it's course for the next few months still before getting back to really trying. I'd really like to lose another 20 lbs or so even though I know I have a lot more than that to ultimately lose but I really don't feel like taking a whole year off to do it. DH has decided he really does want to finish his RN and there is a chance he could start another program this summer and be done spring 2011.

I guess that's it for now....I'll try to be around more! :o)

Unacceptable

Have you ever seen the movie "The Terminal"? It's a relatively unknown movie (as far as I know) starring Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Anyway, I caught it on HBO several years ago and I loved it immediately. Tom Hanks character (Victor) arrives to visit New York City from a tiny European country speaking very little English. While trying to go through customs, it's discovered that Victor's government was over thrown by rebels while he was in the air so his passport and visa are no longer valid. But because of the war, no travel is allowed in to or out of his homeland. He's stuck in limbo and told he's simply "unacceptable." Not that he understands what that means or why.

So what's a man who's not allowed to enter the country he's in nor allowed to return to his own country to do? Live at the airport for 9 months finding ways to survive with a certain spunk about him. The story is just the right combination of touching and humor for me. I pulled out my copy of the movie over the weekend and watched it on my lap top during a rare slow night at work. And I ended up relating to it on a whole new level in light of events from this past year.

We still have not heard anything from the dean at school. DH is very slowly making baby steps to figure out what he's going to do next while backsliding into self pity on a regular basis which I find myself having less and less patience for. And I just keep chugging along. It seems like all I do is work and sleep. Honestly we didn't even try last month. I know when I Oed and I know AF will be here in 2 or 3 days. I didn't tell DH though. I don't feel like we're in a place to be trying right now. Especially not since he's had his script for his repeat s/as for 3 weeks now and still hasn't bothered to call to schedule them. Despite the fact that around here it takes a month to get in, he's supposed to follow up with the urologist in 3 weeks, and it'll take at least 3 weeks turn around for the doc to get both sets of results back (two tests, one week apart, one week a piece to get results to the office). Yes, he knows that.

I mentioned before that the first WW meeting I went to was about making time for yourself and I'm still doing my best to do that but in less obvious ways. I finally called my doctor's office and asked about a referral to physical therapy for my migraines/headaches, neck, and shoulder pain. I went 3 times last week and have 2 more weeks of the same. I feel a huge difference already and honestly I didn't realize how much stress and tension I carry in my neck and shoulders. I'm also taking the time to make healthy foods at home to pack for work. I weigh in tomorrow but to date I've lost 3.8 lbs. This time I'm trying to focus more on just following the program and letting the weight loss be a bonus by-product. But the meetings really are a good motivation for me and I wish I had tried them sooner. When I first signed up I figured I'd cancel after the free month was over but now I'd like to keep going.

So with TTC, DH's school, and well...life in general it seems I guess I'm just plodding along waiting in my own sort of limbo, until I'm "acceptable" again too. In the mean time, if you need me, I'll be living over in my very own gate 67.

Still no news

Cycle 12, CD 15

Well, the week came and went without any word from the dean. He said we'd hear from him by Tuesday or Wednesday last week but not a peep the entire week. I really don't have any idea what's going on. We found out yesterday that another girl from his class who was failed earlier in the semester was failed because she's foreign and they didn't feel she grasped the English language well enough to continue. Really? She made it through an entire year of nursing school and paid how much money for someone to decide half way through that she didn't speak well enough to pass? Apparently they don't just discriminate against men....

DH had his urology appointment on Thursday. Doc doesn't trust a single s/a so he wants him to have two more a week apart. They took a urine sample and yes, WBCs were still present. DH called me as he was leaving and I told him that we weren't doing the repeat s/a until there was some sort of treatment done. We know there is some sort of infection if there are WBCs in his urine and semen and I'm not dropping another $300 until there's at least some attempt at treating whatever is going on! So DH went back in and talked to the nurse. They gave him a script to have his urine cultured and for a month of Cipro. Wow! That's pretty aggressive, in fact DH isn't sure he wants to be antibiotics for that long. I'm feeling like it's probably necessary at this point. Thinking back he's had episodes were we've thought he had kidney issues and I wouldn't be surprised if he's had an infection for a long time without being very symptomatic. His physical exam checked out fine though. He's got an appointment to go back in 6 weeks and hopefully this time I can go with him.

And I have to admit, I kind of feel like we're just in a holding pattern. I've gotten really lax about temping, charting, and even using my CBEFM. It just all seems pointless right now. I know that it's going to take some time to get DH's issues resolved so it's kind of like why stress out about it for now? DH is still pretty depressed too and I just don't feel like being the BD nazi pushing him to DTD, ya know? So maybe I'll take a cue from my WW meeting and just focus on me for now. Get back to eating better, exercising, and listening to my body. It's still working toward a baby....just in a different way. ;o)

I almost forgot!

Cycle 12, CD 11

With all the happenings surrounding DH and school, I almost totally forgot about all the stuff that happened the rest of the week! As I mentioned, AF arrived on Saturday so I schlepped to both of DH's school meetings and then to work that night feeling like complete and total crap on Friday. Saturday and Sunday were back to back 12 hour shifts which left me totally exhausted. Thursday marked the official one year anniversary of the beginning of us TTC. I really didn't remember it until this weekend though. I think I'd dealt with it last Monday when AF went really nuts. I ended up with a nice hearty cry in the shower when I saw pink suds going down the drain (sorry - TMI). It just seemed so metaphorical for how I was feeling. Friday I went in to work early and saw no less than 20 cop cars in the few short miles from my house to work, the last 3 of which were camped in front of the hotel next to the urgent care. I found out later that there had been an armed robbery with shots fired (no injures thank God) at the hotel next to work not even 20 minutes before I arrived. The rest of the cop cars I had seen on my way to work were apprehending the suspects. Seriously freaky. This past Saturday my sister came down for a stitch 'n ' bitch while we watched some scary movies. I was luck enough to get my shift covered for Sunday afternoon so I could take DH to the football game. The week ended much better than it began.

And after a lot of back and forth, I ended up joining Weight Watchers today. I've done WW online in the past but never attended meetings. I've been meaning to go join for like 3 weeks now but finally went to do it today before their month free offer expires this week. I don't suppose that it was really a coincidence that the topic of the meeting today was taking care of yourself. It's not something that I do very often or very well. Finding ways and time to put yourself first is easier said than done but I suppose this is a step in the right direction. Better to do it now than trying to figure it out later with a LO, right?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

Cycle 12, CD 10

So what do you do when it's not your pity party and you're tired of the crying and ready for action? DH is in the midst of his second major pity party in just a few short months. It's understandable but I'm ready for some action. On Friday 10/2 DH got called into a meeting with his clinical instructor and asked me to go with him because we both had an inkling that it wasn't good. He was already on probation because the mentor he was with the week before had made 2 med errors (ridiculous). So when he was finishing his homework to turn in the following week and realized he was missing two lab values for his patient, he panicked. He had missed a lab value before and when he asked his instructor what to do, his clinical grade for that day was changed from pass to fail. He called a friend to vent and his friend told him that she knew another student had the same patient from another clinical group because she had overheard this other student talking about her patient in the library. So DH calls this other girl, we'll call her G, explains the situation and asks if she has the labs. G laughs and says "No, I couldn't find them either so I made them up. I do it all the time." ?!!? DH didn't want to do that so G offers to get the real numbers when she goes to clinicals the next night. Long story short, clinical instructor caught wind of it and DH was confronted when he showed up for clinicals. Since G hadn't gotten him the real numbers, he used her made up numbers so at least they would match. Now, I know this was wrong but in all fairness, it wasn't work that was going to be part of the patient's chart or affect him in any way shape or form. So DH spills the whole story when he's confronted. And then the call came that night to meet with his instructor the next morning. Shit.

His instructor said that him using false lab values constituted falsifying the document which was cause for immediate failure which means immediate failure from the program. She repeatedly told him that this has happened in the past and this was how it was handled and how it would always be handled and he was not the only one being affected that day. She encouraged him to go up the chain of command and meet with the course instructor. DH called her and she asked if he'd like to meet with the nursing chair at the same time. Two birds with one stone, sure, why not. It was a complete brick wall and they told him basically he just needed to take his LPN and move on. Great. On to a very drunken, bitter weekend for DH while I got to go work back to back 12 hour shifts and start AF. Fanfuckingtastic.

Monday the phone rings and it's a friend from class. G was there taking the exam that morning! Would someone PLEASE explain to me how he falsified a document but she didn't if he used her numbers?! DH was so angry he was shaking. So we called the dean and asked for a meeting. They emailed him the form to make a formal appeal (interesting, no one mentioned that was an option before) and set up a meeting for Wednesday. Tuesday night he gets a stuttering phone call from the nursing chair asking to meet with him because she heard he was meeting with the dean. Interesting. Anyway, the dean is investigating and we should hear from him later this week. DH pretty much had to raise the issue of sexism so he's also investigating the percentages of males failing from the program vs females which I think will be interesting.

But where does that leave us? Because it's the second time DH has failed, he can't reapply to their program for 5 years. The first time he failed was in June. My dad had a heart attack Memorial Day weekend and we were trying to get over to see him. DH hadn't seen his nurse at all that day on the floor so when it was time to go, he told his clinical instructor he hadn't seen her and needed to leave. She told him to go ahead and leave but then failed him for leaving without giving report to his nurse. WTF?!?! At that point he was told he couldn't make any appeals because it was completely at the clinical instructor's discretion and was just readmitted in the program for this fall. So we're getting his paperwork together to apply to take his LPN exam. We've picked 3 schools within a half hour from here as options to transfer to and finish his RN but he needs to go meet with each advisor and figure out which one is going to be the best pick.

In the meantime, he's wallowing in his failure. It upsets me because I feel like he spent the whole summer doing the same thing. There's nothing we can do but pick up and move forward right now. I'm frustrated because when he went back to school I knew I was taking on the financial responsibilities until he was done. Originally, he would have been done in just 8 weeks from now. After his first failure, he would have been done in the beginning of May. Now....who knows. Life has not been easy since DH entered nursing school and in some ways it's a relief to be out of the death grip school has had on our lives. I think I'd be perfectly content if DH stayed an LPN. He still thinks he'd be a failure.

I'm doing my best to be supportive. I took him to the Lions/Steelers game in Detroit yesterday because he's been a Steelers fan all his life. It was good to see him smile and enjoy himself. I really need him to pick himself up and move on with life. But how?