Cycle 9, CD 7
So I went to the OB/GYN today to take my nurse practioner up on her offer for some fertility assistance. I had told her at my yearly appointment back in October that we were officially starting to try and she told me to let her know if we needed help since I'd already been diagnosed with PCOS. Well, 8 cycles and 9 months later I'm ready for some help. It looks like it's going to take a little bit of time though because the OB that my provider practices under is out on maternity leave.
For now, I have a standing lab order to have my progesterone drawn 7DPO for the next few cycles to make sure that I am really ovulating and that there isn't any LP defect (my LPs are getting more on the shorter end at 11 days lately). She also sent in a request for DH to have a s/a done which apparently requires an appointment at the lab here. Unfortunately she said the lab is pretty backed up so we likely won't get an appointment until August. But since I won't be able to see the other doc until September when she comes back, it's not really a huge deal.
If we're not pregnant by the time doc is back, we'll have an appointment to see her and likely schedule an HSG which I'm not particularly looking forward to. It's not the test itself but that I'm an x-ray tech and worked as a student in the department that I'd have to have it done in so I know most anyone there, including the radiologists. Plus I'm sort of nervous that there is some blockage because of something from several years ago. Before DH, I was in a long term relationship for several years. At the end when I'd decided to quit my job and move home to my family, I went in for an annual exam before I lost my insurance. I told the doctor that I couldn't be certain what all was going on with my ex so she tested me for STDs. Turns out the jerk had given me chlyamidia who knows when and I know that can cause some tubal scaring. Just something else to worry about I suppose.
So that's the plan for now. I know this was long winded but I think it helps me to lay it all out. :o)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The end of another decade....and cycle
Cycle 9, CD 4
Today is the last day of another decade for me. I can't believe I'll be 30 tomorrow. It seems like I just got use to the idea that I wasn't really in my mid 20s any more. I don't want to be some kind of typical hysterical basket case about this but holy crap this is kicking my butt! AF reared her ugly head again a few days ago and unfortunately it's hitting me as hard as I thought it would. This time really is the worst; I've been so emotional/tearful the last few days I don't know quite what to do with myself.
I know it's irrational but when I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 1998 I kind of just got it in my mind that if I wasn't pregnant by the time I was 30 that it just wasn't going to happen for me. Now I know that women with PCOS have more options to conceive now than ever. And I know that women a decade older than me can fairly successfully conceive too. It's just that I'm afraid that the rough road I'd envisioned is coming true. Some part of me figured when I started ovulating regularly last fall that it would be a piece of cake from there. And yes, I know people without fertility problems can take as long and longer than we are. But now it's time to start moving things into a higher gear. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on Tuesday to talk about Clomid, possibly a short LP, and an s/a for DH. And as I type I'm also eyeing Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitors on eBay. I just hope that we get lucky here soon because I don't know if I can stand feeling like such a failure every month for much longer....
Today is the last day of another decade for me. I can't believe I'll be 30 tomorrow. It seems like I just got use to the idea that I wasn't really in my mid 20s any more. I don't want to be some kind of typical hysterical basket case about this but holy crap this is kicking my butt! AF reared her ugly head again a few days ago and unfortunately it's hitting me as hard as I thought it would. This time really is the worst; I've been so emotional/tearful the last few days I don't know quite what to do with myself.
I know it's irrational but when I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 1998 I kind of just got it in my mind that if I wasn't pregnant by the time I was 30 that it just wasn't going to happen for me. Now I know that women with PCOS have more options to conceive now than ever. And I know that women a decade older than me can fairly successfully conceive too. It's just that I'm afraid that the rough road I'd envisioned is coming true. Some part of me figured when I started ovulating regularly last fall that it would be a piece of cake from there. And yes, I know people without fertility problems can take as long and longer than we are. But now it's time to start moving things into a higher gear. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on Tuesday to talk about Clomid, possibly a short LP, and an s/a for DH. And as I type I'm also eyeing Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitors on eBay. I just hope that we get lucky here soon because I don't know if I can stand feeling like such a failure every month for much longer....
Friday, June 5, 2009
You may have been TTC for too long if....
1. Upon hearing of yet another person you know who just found out she’s pregnant, you are able to swiftly calculate her EDD simply by relating today’s date to your current cycle day.
2. Your morning routine now includes promptly recording your BBT and CM before even starting the coffee maker without even thinking about it.
3. After recording said BBT and CM, and while the coffee is brewing, you count and then recount the number of days until O or AF so that you can figure out which day you may start peeing on which ever stick is appropriate for your half of the current cycle.
4. For every pregnant woman that passes you (all bazillion of them!), you size up how far along she is, how you’ll look at that stage in your pregnancy, and jealously wonder how long it took her to get pregnant.
5. You plot ways to get your DH to BD just one more time while you're fertile!
6. You make a mental list of baby items you see at stores that you’ll come back to get if this cycle is your cycle, mainly because the closet is already too full of the things you’ve bought in previous cycles assuming that this one HAD to be it.
7. You no longer curse every cramping twinge of your abdomen but instead silently rejoice because that MUST be your new LO making herself at home in your womb!
2. Your morning routine now includes promptly recording your BBT and CM before even starting the coffee maker without even thinking about it.
3. After recording said BBT and CM, and while the coffee is brewing, you count and then recount the number of days until O or AF so that you can figure out which day you may start peeing on which ever stick is appropriate for your half of the current cycle.
4. For every pregnant woman that passes you (all bazillion of them!), you size up how far along she is, how you’ll look at that stage in your pregnancy, and jealously wonder how long it took her to get pregnant.
5. You plot ways to get your DH to BD just one more time while you're fertile!
6. You make a mental list of baby items you see at stores that you’ll come back to get if this cycle is your cycle, mainly because the closet is already too full of the things you’ve bought in previous cycles assuming that this one HAD to be it.
7. You no longer curse every cramping twinge of your abdomen but instead silently rejoice because that MUST be your new LO making herself at home in your womb!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Set backs
Cycle 8, CD 13
Well, I had decided to go ahead and temp this cycle but it's been hard getting back into the swing of it. I've learned from past cycles though that even without perfect charting technique, they can still be useful in determining O. I've been trying to quell any excitement at the thought of getting a super special birthday present in the form of a BFP at the end of the month. Like I said before, it's too easy to read signs into things.
I was feeling fairly confident with this decision until we got some news Sunday night. DH is going to have to repeat a course at school and at the minimum, it'll set him back a semester. In the big picture of life, I know it's not a very big deal. But before I was taking some comfort in knowing that starting with this cycle, DH would more likely than not have good/great insurance for our whole family by the time our LO would be born if we were successful this cycle. I have great insurance for myself, but right now we'd have to pay A LOT to cover a LO too. Now that's not going to happen either.
We'll have to wait a bit to find out when he might be able to reenter his program. And after we know more about how long of a delay we're looking at, maybe we can talk more about TTC strategies. I'm scheduled to meet with my OB/GYN at the end of the month and depending on when/if AF comes this month, we could start Clomid as early as next cycle. I just don't know if I feel comfortable doing that not knowing for how long our lives have essentially been put on hold ....
Well, I had decided to go ahead and temp this cycle but it's been hard getting back into the swing of it. I've learned from past cycles though that even without perfect charting technique, they can still be useful in determining O. I've been trying to quell any excitement at the thought of getting a super special birthday present in the form of a BFP at the end of the month. Like I said before, it's too easy to read signs into things.
I was feeling fairly confident with this decision until we got some news Sunday night. DH is going to have to repeat a course at school and at the minimum, it'll set him back a semester. In the big picture of life, I know it's not a very big deal. But before I was taking some comfort in knowing that starting with this cycle, DH would more likely than not have good/great insurance for our whole family by the time our LO would be born if we were successful this cycle. I have great insurance for myself, but right now we'd have to pay A LOT to cover a LO too. Now that's not going to happen either.
We'll have to wait a bit to find out when he might be able to reenter his program. And after we know more about how long of a delay we're looking at, maybe we can talk more about TTC strategies. I'm scheduled to meet with my OB/GYN at the end of the month and depending on when/if AF comes this month, we could start Clomid as early as next cycle. I just don't know if I feel comfortable doing that not knowing for how long our lives have essentially been put on hold ....
Monday, May 25, 2009
So much for relaxing!
Cycle 8, CD2
Cycle eight. Cycle EIGHT! Seriously. Somewhere in my mind I didn't think it would happen this month but I guess there as an assumption too that really if I just relaxed and didn't stress, it would happen. It didn't. So enough already, I'm ready to take the next step. Here's the plan:
1. I'm calling the OB/GYN on Tuesday to make an appointment. DH would like an s/a and I'd like to talk Clomid. I've also been having some dull aching on my left side so I'm wondering about another ultrasound since it's been a few years.
2. I'm going to start temping again in the morning. I'm also ordering more PreSeed and OPKs. I need to get back to really pinpointing O if I'm going to figure out if I really do have a shorter LP.
3. I have to lose weight. Have to. That includes eating the way I know is going to serve me better and exercising.
4. I need to get DH in to a doctor for his own preconception visit in addition to the s/a. He understands that he needs to change some of his habits to help move this along too but it's not sinking in. He needs to hear it from someone other than me that he needs to make changes.
I know there's more to all of this but it's late, I'm exhausted, and I just can't think any more. :o(
Cycle eight. Cycle EIGHT! Seriously. Somewhere in my mind I didn't think it would happen this month but I guess there as an assumption too that really if I just relaxed and didn't stress, it would happen. It didn't. So enough already, I'm ready to take the next step. Here's the plan:
1. I'm calling the OB/GYN on Tuesday to make an appointment. DH would like an s/a and I'd like to talk Clomid. I've also been having some dull aching on my left side so I'm wondering about another ultrasound since it's been a few years.
2. I'm going to start temping again in the morning. I'm also ordering more PreSeed and OPKs. I need to get back to really pinpointing O if I'm going to figure out if I really do have a shorter LP.
3. I have to lose weight. Have to. That includes eating the way I know is going to serve me better and exercising.
4. I need to get DH in to a doctor for his own preconception visit in addition to the s/a. He understands that he needs to change some of his habits to help move this along too but it's not sinking in. He needs to hear it from someone other than me that he needs to make changes.
I know there's more to all of this but it's late, I'm exhausted, and I just can't think any more. :o(
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Whiling away another 1WW
Cycle 7, 8 DPO
I say whiling but really it's more like dragging myself through. This was supposed to be my stress free cycle but now that I'm getting closer to AF I'm getting more wound up. It doesn't help that I'm working 6 days a week and trying to get a bunch of stuff done here at home. On top of that, I think I'm getting sick. :o(
Overall, I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I guess the worrying is just in my nature. My biggest mistake was probably taking the OPK this month and knowing when I was Oing. We may have a shot but I'm not terribly optimistic. After 6 cycles, I've had to learn to just assume that this cycle isn't it. I know it's probably better to keep a positive attitude but I just get too hopeful. I've found too many ways to find signs that this was meant to be our month....like when my EDD would have been our anniversary and later my grandpa's birthday or when we would have been able to make our announcement at Christmas or Valentine's Day. It's just all too much any more.
Right now I'm trying to decide if I'm willing to give myself one more "stress free" month or not. The biggest downside to it is that depending on when my O falls, I could end up getting AF to end our 8th cycle on my 30th birthday. I've already been slightly freaked out over completing another decade and I think I might just completely lose it if it wasn't a successful cycle. The upside if we really do try and finally get it right, well, that would be a pretty freakin' awesome birthday present. :o)
I say whiling but really it's more like dragging myself through. This was supposed to be my stress free cycle but now that I'm getting closer to AF I'm getting more wound up. It doesn't help that I'm working 6 days a week and trying to get a bunch of stuff done here at home. On top of that, I think I'm getting sick. :o(
Overall, I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I guess the worrying is just in my nature. My biggest mistake was probably taking the OPK this month and knowing when I was Oing. We may have a shot but I'm not terribly optimistic. After 6 cycles, I've had to learn to just assume that this cycle isn't it. I know it's probably better to keep a positive attitude but I just get too hopeful. I've found too many ways to find signs that this was meant to be our month....like when my EDD would have been our anniversary and later my grandpa's birthday or when we would have been able to make our announcement at Christmas or Valentine's Day. It's just all too much any more.
Right now I'm trying to decide if I'm willing to give myself one more "stress free" month or not. The biggest downside to it is that depending on when my O falls, I could end up getting AF to end our 8th cycle on my 30th birthday. I've already been slightly freaked out over completing another decade and I think I might just completely lose it if it wasn't a successful cycle. The upside if we really do try and finally get it right, well, that would be a pretty freakin' awesome birthday present. :o)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Cycle 7, CD?
So I threw the thermometer in the drawer for this cycle and probably next as well. I just couldn't take it any more. It's been too hard when I know I'm Oing and we don't do anything about it. So I had to just say fuck it for awhile. It wasn't half bad until my brother told me today that their expecting again. Which has prompted tonight's pity party.....
Why is this taking so long?
Why can other people get pregnant on the pill....twice?
Why can some people announce their pregnancies almost instantly without thought to whether or not it'll stick?
Why am I so terrified of finally getting pregnant and losing it?
Why can't my body do the one thing it's supposed to do as a woman?
Why does my mom have to say things like "If you ever have kids..."?
Why is it getting harder and harder to be happy for other people's pregnancies/babies?
Why are there so many fucking pregnant woman and babies around me?!?!
Why did I buy so many damn baby patterns?
Why I don't have anyone I can talk to about all this?
Why are the tears right under the surface at the worst times?
Why can't I let it go?
Why is this taking so long?
Why can other people get pregnant on the pill....twice?
Why can some people announce their pregnancies almost instantly without thought to whether or not it'll stick?
Why am I so terrified of finally getting pregnant and losing it?
Why can't my body do the one thing it's supposed to do as a woman?
Why does my mom have to say things like "If you ever have kids..."?
Why is it getting harder and harder to be happy for other people's pregnancies/babies?
Why are there so many fucking pregnant woman and babies around me?!?!
Why did I buy so many damn baby patterns?
Why I don't have anyone I can talk to about all this?
Why are the tears right under the surface at the worst times?
Why can't I let it go?
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