End of the road

Some of you may have seen this coming. I know I have for a long time. There will be no more TTC talk for me, at least not in the near future. I've asked my husband for a divorce. Our marriage has not been well for a long time and I'm finally cutting ties to move on. At the point we started TTC, I thought we were moving forward together. The longer it took, the more I realize I was desperately trying to force him to grow up when he really didn't want to. But I think this whole process has only helped me to see how flawed our relationship was. The one common thread among all of you was how wonderful and supportive your husbands were in the process. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. We've basically been pleasant roommates for the better part of a year now. I want more. I deserve more. And I know I'll find it. I'm free now and there's so much happiness waiting for me. Thank you all for your friendship and I wish you nothing but happiness on your journeys forward.

Was it really that bad?!?1

I know - I fall of the face of the earth for a whole month and then back to back entries! Go figure! But I'm frustrated and kind of hurt so hopefully you ladies can help me figure some of this out.

DH and I were stretched out on the couch watching TV and casually debating whether or not to put in central air this summer. DH doesn't think we need it (we live in Michigan) because the summers generally aren't too bad. However, there are days that it gets in the upper 80s/low 90s and our house retains that heat so much that it easily nears 100 in the house at times. And especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, I just can NOT handle that. DH pointed out that I'm easily 45 lbs lighter than last summer and that would help with the heat. I made the comment that I wouldn't be pregnant this summer either. DH scolded me and I said "Well, it's true."

He kind of got quiet and a little tense so I asked if he was okay. He said yes and I said "Really?" All the sudden he said "You know what - no, I'm not." Then he got up, threw a pillow across the room and told me never to say something that stupid again before he stormed out of the room. Now he's actually locked himself in our computer room and refuses to talk to me.

I don't get it - it's not just a matter of attitude, it's essentially fact. The urologist felt his numbers were poor enough that if nothing changed even an IUI wouldn't be an option and we'd have to skip right to IVF. Okaaay...so barring a miracle conception, no, I will not be pregnant this summer. And he's not done much to change that. For heaven sake he even laughs it off when I remind him (daily) to take his pills and hell, even EAT a meal!

So what was so bad about what I said? I wasn't assigning blame. I wasn't taking a stab at him. It was just a matter of fact. And actually, I was just thinking last night that if we're going to do a half marathon, we probably won't start TTC again until next spring. As it is, it'll be at least this fall if not the end of the year to see a change in his s/a results from healthy lifestyle changes. *sigh* And I thought I was hormonal right now.

This one is gonna hurt

I really haven't meant to be absent for so long! I know I say that each time but I really do mean it. There really isn't news to report on the TTC front except to say that right now we really aren't. It frustrates me but right now it's out of my hands. DH still really hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's a 40 year old adult who needs to be taking care of himself. It's pretty much a daily struggle for me not to just flip out on him over it and sometimes I'm not successful. I guess it'll either happen or it won't.

But even that aside, I've decided that I'm going to do something productive with my time instead of just stewing about it. I'll admit that even though I still am not sure how much I like running, I've been bitten by the race bug. I ran my second 5K with my family a week and a half ago and cut 5 minutes off my time! We've signed up for a 5K Memorial Day weekend and I'm hoping to get under 40 minutes this time and run most if not all of it this time. I know it's going to be an emotional run though because it'll be what I call my dad's redemption run. It's the race he couldn't finish last year because he had a heart attack a mile in. Even though he went on to run a marathon in January, there's something to be said for finishing what you start. And with him as my inspiration, I've asked my sisters to run the Disney Princess half marathon with me in March instead of the 5K. I've got lots of time to train and the determination to do it. So I'm excited. :o)

Now for my blog title....in the middle of all my grandma's illness last month, my cousin who has been living with her for the last year and a half got picked up on a parole violation. Part of the condition of his parole is that he's not supposed to have access to computers but Grandma decided she really missed having one last year and bought a laptop. It stays in her room and only has her Quicken books and email on it. But it was still in the house and shouldn't have been. And his parole officer got tipped off on it so he's headed back to prison. Then a few weeks later his fiancee who also lives with him and Grandma found out she was pregnant. *sigh*

She's a really sweet girl. She's been there taking care of the house and most of what my grandma has needed when she moved to rehab and taking care of her at home now that she's out. We've really become good friends and I've tried to be there for both her and my cousin through all of this. My cousin really has taken full responsibility for the mistakes he made and done what he can to make up for everything. But she has PCOS like I do and the whole circumstance that she's in now (not married, him being gone for who knows how long, recently lost her job, etc) just makes my heart hurt. I gave her the number for my ob/gyn again because I know she'll be in great hands there. Her first prenatal appointment is next Tuesday and I offered to go with her. Last week they asked me to be the baby's godmother.

I'm going to be there for her as best I can because it's the right thing to do and I know she doesn't really have a great support system anywhere else. But it's going to hurt like hell. I've shared some with her about our IF but I don't know if she really understands how bittersweet this is all going to be for me. I guess I just always thought the first prenatal appointment I went to would be for me.....

ONDERLAND!!

I just have to put this out there because I'm so so excited!!! Today at my weigh in I entered the wonderful world of Onderland. For those of you not up on Weight Watchers lingo, it means that I am no longer a 200 lb+ woman. I don't think that's happened since I was in high school. I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. The year I was diagnosed with PCOS I gained over 60 lbs in probably 8 months. Ouch.

No more!!!! Someday when I finally get my baby bump, I'll be proud to show it off. Right now I'm down 35.8 and I really hope to be down 50 by the time DH gets reevaluated. He's taking his vitamins and supplements and while he hasn't gotten to eating a fruit and a veggie everyday, he's been eating at least one or the other for the last few days. Baby steps though I guess, right?

Our trip, his appointment, and a family crisis

I've been bad, I know. It's been a month since a posted and a lot has happened. I'll try not to ramble on too long!

First, our Florida trip! We went to visit my brother and his family the first week of March. Even though it was a cooler than normal, we still had a great time. We met the new baby and tried to keep up with my older nephew who isn't quite 2 yet. My SIL and I walked/jogged in our first 5K at Epcot and it was absolutely fantastic! We were having so much fun talking and taking in the sights that I didn't have time to worry about how far we'd gone and finishing.


Yes, we wore our tiaras. And I really felt like a princess when we were done. The last picture is of us approaching the finish line and I just love how happy we both look. It was an incredibly uplifting and empowering day that I'll be drawing strength from for a long time.

Now the appointment. DH had his follow up appointment today with the urologist to discuss his s/a. His count on the first was okay but not great and his count the on the second a week later was terrible. And in both tests showed a lot of white blood cells still as well as too many abnormally shaped sperm. It's bad enough that the urologist didn't even feel that an IUI would be successful. At this point, the major culprit is DH's life style. He doesn't like to eat and trying to get him to eat fruits and veggies is pretty much out of the question. He smokes about a pack a day and drinks far, far too much beer. The doc gave him a list of supplements to buy, a prescription for more antibiotics, and orders to get it together (eat right, quit smoking and drinking). When pushed for an answer as to what could be causing the inflammation/white blood cells, the doc tossed out a few ideas one of which was the possibility that DH is allergic to our animals. For whatever reason, DH latched right on to that despite having no other symptoms. Whatever. I'll be damned if I'm getting rid of my "babies" without proof that it's necessary. I told him that he needs to try getting healthy before I'm willing to even consider the animals as an issue. Obviously I can't force DH to make these changes but I can encourage him to make small changes. So for this week I asked him to to try eat at least one fruit and one vegetable each day along with two small meals. He seems to want to do this and with the big 4-0 looming in a few weeks, I think it's hitting home a little harder.

The family crisis. A week ago my grandma was found unresponsive in her bed. She's 75 years old and in pretty darn good health so it was a shock. After some testing and cracking her chest open, they found out she had a dissecting aorta. Pretty scary. She was in surgery a really long time because they couldn't get her to stop bleeding but they were finally able to close her up and get her up to ICU. The whole (24 of us at least!) family nearby camped out in the surgical waiting room until we knew she'd at least made it. We didn't get home until after 5am Friday morning. The first 24 hours were a little touchy but day by day she's made fantastic progress. Tonight she was sitting up in the chair, eating her dinner, and sounding a lot like her normal self. By the end of the week she should be able to move in to a rehab center. She's an amazing woman. But then again, anyone who could raise my dad and his two brothers (all whom are less than a year apart) would have to be pretty darn fantastic!

And lastly, on a little side note about me....my weight loss is now up to 33 lbs! I had a small gain last week because of the whole camping out at the hospital thing but I'm fine with it. These next 2 pounds are super important to me because it will put me under 200 lbs for the first time in my adult life. I was pleasantly surprised this week at my Weight Watchers meeting when my leader asked me and another guy to hang out for a minute because she had something for us. Turns out, she wants us both to apply for the Weight Watchers 2010 Role Model of the Year! I have to submit pictures and a 400 word essay with my application but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. I'm only a third of the way to my goal but I really have confidence in myself that I can do it. And heck, if I win a role model award then I pretty much have to get to goal this time, right?

He Did It!

I'm shocked! Today was the first of DH's s/a appointments that had been *ahem* postponed. He finally went to get a collection kit yesterday and had a heck of a time getting one. I know he didn't sleep much if at all last night. That was his own fault though because he's ditched any progress he'd made in a "normal" sleep pattern. I ended up having to go for some training at work this morning so I wasn't home to take the specimen in as planned. I called home after I got out at 11:40 and was heading to my Weight Watchers meeting but I got the machine. His appointment was 11am so I half expected that he was in bed. I tried his cell any way and was really surprised when he answered.

Not only was he at the hospital, he'd been running around for a half hour trying to figure out where his specimen was supposed to go. Seems that they had closed/moved the fertility center about a month ago. But no one bothered to let us know that. And no one seemed terribly concerned that my husband was running around with a little cup of sperm in his pocket desperate to hand it off to someone before time ran out. He was directed to no less than 5 different places trying to discretely explain himself before finally arriving where he needed to go. I really do give him a lot of credit for this morning, I know it was frustrating and somewhat embarrassing. This is the same hospital that I work for so you can bet that I'm going to be giving someone an earful tomorrow as to why no one bothered to call us with new directions. Especially since DH told me that the first place he tried told him he was the third person that morning to come in trying to find out what had happened to the fertility center.

So we'll see what happens. Next Tuesday is his second s/a and we leave for Florida the following week. I doubt that we'll hear anything until after we get home. But at least it will finally be done!

Maybe

DH told me last night that he'd tried to quit smoking again on Saturday while I was working my long day. He seems to think that quitting cold turkey by just staying in bed and locking himself away from the world is the best way to go. Whatever works for him I guess. The part that took me by surprise was the comment "Well, I should have done it a long time ago but if we're going to have a baby I have to quit." Hmmmm....maybe he thinks about it more than he lets on.