Waiting for my turn

End of the road

2010-05-21T12:38:00.002-04:00

Some of you may have seen this coming. I know I have for a long time. There will be no more TTC talk for me, at least not in the near future. I've asked my husband for a divorce. Our marriage has not been well for a long time and I'm finally cutting ties to move on. At the point we started TTC, I thought we were moving forward together. The longer it took, the more I realize I was desperately trying to force him to grow up when he really didn't want to. But I think this whole process has only helped me to see how flawed our relationship was. The one common thread among all of you was how wonderful and supportive your husbands were in the process. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. We've basically been pleasant roommates for the better part of a year now. I want more. I deserve more. And I know I'll find it. I'm free now and there's so much happiness waiting for me. Thank you all for your friendship and I wish you nothing but happiness on your journeys forward.

Was it really that bad?!?1

2010-05-05T00:32:00.002-04:00

I know - I fall of the face of the earth for a whole month and then back to back entries! Go figure! But I'm frustrated and kind of hurt so hopefully you ladies can help me figure some of this out.

DH and I were stretched out on the couch watching TV and casually debating whether or not to put in central air this summer. DH doesn't think we need it (we live in Michigan) because the summers generally aren't too bad. However, there are days that it gets in the upper 80s/low 90s and our house retains that heat so much that it easily nears 100 in the house at times. And especially at night when I'm trying to sleep, I just can NOT handle that. DH pointed out that I'm easily 45 lbs lighter than last summer and that would help with the heat. I made the comment that I wouldn't be pregnant this summer either. DH scolded me and I said "Well, it's true."

He kind of got quiet and a little tense so I asked if he was okay. He said yes and I said "Really?" All the sudden he said "You know what - no, I'm not." Then he got up, threw a pillow across the room and told me never to say something that stupid again before he stormed out of the room. Now he's actually locked himself in our computer room and refuses to talk to me.

I don't get it - it's not just a matter of attitude, it's essentially fact. The urologist felt his numbers were poor enough that if nothing changed even an IUI wouldn't be an option and we'd have to skip right to IVF. Okaaay...so barring a miracle conception, no, I will not be pregnant this summer. And he's not done much to change that. For heaven sake he even laughs it off when I remind him (daily) to take his pills and hell, even EAT a meal!

So what was so bad about what I said? I wasn't assigning blame. I wasn't taking a stab at him. It was just a matter of fact. And actually, I was just thinking last night that if we're going to do a half marathon, we probably won't start TTC again until next spring. As it is, it'll be at least this fall if not the end of the year to see a change in his s/a results from healthy lifestyle changes. *sigh* And I thought I was hormonal right now.

This one is gonna hurt

2010-05-04T10:43:00.003-04:00

I really haven't meant to be absent for so long! I know I say that each time but I really do mean it. There really isn't news to report on the TTC front except to say that right now we really aren't. It frustrates me but right now it's out of my hands. DH still really hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's a 40 year old adult who needs to be taking care of himself. It's pretty much a daily struggle for me not to just flip out on him over it and sometimes I'm not successful. I guess it'll either happen or it won't.

But even that aside, I've decided that I'm going to do something productive with my time instead of just stewing about it. I'll admit that even though I still am not sure how much I like running, I've been bitten by the race bug. I ran my second 5K with my family a week and a half ago and cut 5 minutes off my time! We've signed up for a 5K Memorial Day weekend and I'm hoping to get under 40 minutes this time and run most if not all of it this time. I know it's going to be an emotional run though because it'll be what I call my dad's redemption run. It's the race he couldn't finish last year because he had a heart attack a mile in. Even though he went on to run a marathon in January, there's something to be said for finishing what you start. And with him as my inspiration, I've asked my sisters to run the Disney Princess half marathon with me in March instead of the 5K. I've got lots of time to train and the determination to do it. So I'm excited. :o)

Now for my blog title....in the middle of all my grandma's illness last month, my cousin who has been living with her for the last year and a half got picked up on a parole violation. Part of the condition of his parole is that he's not supposed to have access to computers but Grandma decided she really missed having one last year and bought a laptop. It stays in her room and only has her Quicken books and email on it. But it was still in the house and shouldn't have been. And his parole officer got tipped off on it so he's headed back to prison. Then a few weeks later his fiancee who also lives with him and Grandma found out she was pregnant. *sigh*

She's a really sweet girl. She's been there taking care of the house and most of what my grandma has needed when she moved to rehab and taking care of her at home now that she's out. We've really become good friends and I've tried to be there for both her and my cousin through all of this. My cousin really has taken full responsibility for the mistakes he made and done what he can to make up for everything. But she has PCOS like I do and the whole circumstance that she's in now (not married, him being gone for who knows how long, recently lost her job, etc) just makes my heart hurt. I gave her the number for my ob/gyn again because I know she'll be in great hands there. Her first prenatal appointment is next Tuesday and I offered to go with her. Last week they asked me to be the baby's godmother.

I'm going to be there for her as best I can because it's the right thing to do and I know she doesn't really have a great support system anywhere else. But it's going to hurt like hell. I've shared some with her about our IF but I don't know if she really understands how bittersweet this is all going to be for me. I guess I just always thought the first prenatal appointment I went to would be for me.....

ONDERLAND!!

2010-03-30T21:18:00.002-04:00

I just have to put this out there because I'm so so excited!!! Today at my weigh in I entered the wonderful world of Onderland. For those of you not up on Weight Watchers lingo, it means that I am no longer a 200 lb+ woman. I don't think that's happened since I was in high school. I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. The year I was diagnosed with PCOS I gained over 60 lbs in probably 8 months. Ouch.

No more!!!! Someday when I finally get my baby bump, I'll be proud to show it off. Right now I'm down 35.8 and I really hope to be down 50 by the time DH gets reevaluated. He's taking his vitamins and supplements and while he hasn't gotten to eating a fruit and a veggie everyday, he's been eating at least one or the other for the last few days. Baby steps though I guess, right?

Our trip, his appointment, and a family crisis

2010-03-24T23:28:00.005-04:00

I've been bad, I know. It's been a month since a posted and a lot has happened. I'll try not to ramble on too long!

First, our Florida trip! We went to visit my brother and his family the first week of March. Even though it was a cooler than normal, we still had a great time. We met the new baby and tried to keep up with my older nephew who isn't quite 2 yet. My SIL and I walked/jogged in our first 5K at Epcot and it was absolutely fantastic! We were having so much fun talking and taking in the sights that I didn't have time to worry about how far we'd gone and finishing.

Yes, we wore our tiaras. And I really felt like a princess when we were done. The last picture is of us approaching the finish line and I just love how happy we both look. It was an incredibly uplifting and empowering day that I'll be drawing strength from for a long time.

Now the appointment. DH had his follow up appointment today with the urologist to discuss his s/a. His count on the first was okay but not great and his count the on the second a week later was terrible. And in both tests showed a lot of white blood cells still as well as too many abnormally shaped sperm. It's bad enough that the urologist didn't even feel that an IUI would be successful. At this point, the major culprit is DH's life style. He doesn't like to eat and trying to get him to eat fruits and veggies is pretty much out of the question. He smokes about a pack a day and drinks far, far too much beer. The doc gave him a list of supplements to buy, a prescription for more antibiotics, and orders to get it together (eat right, quit smoking and drinking). When pushed for an answer as to what could be causing the inflammation/white blood cells, the doc tossed out a few ideas one of which was the possibility that DH is allergic to our animals. For whatever reason, DH latched right on to that despite having no other symptoms. Whatever. I'll be damned if I'm getting rid of my "babies" without proof that it's necessary. I told him that he needs to try getting healthy before I'm willing to even consider the animals as an issue. Obviously I can't force DH to make these changes but I can encourage him to make small changes. So for this week I asked him to to try eat at least one fruit and one vegetable each day along with two small meals. He seems to want to do this and with the big 4-0 looming in a few weeks, I think it's hitting home a little harder.

The family crisis. A week ago my grandma was found unresponsive in her bed. She's 75 years old and in pretty darn good health so it was a shock. After some testing and cracking her chest open, they found out she had a dissecting aorta. Pretty scary. She was in surgery a really long time because they couldn't get her to stop bleeding but they were finally able to close her up and get her up to ICU. The whole (24 of us at least!) family nearby camped out in the surgical waiting room until we knew she'd at least made it. We didn't get home until after 5am Friday morning. The first 24 hours were a little touchy but day by day she's made fantastic progress. Tonight she was sitting up in the chair, eating her dinner, and sounding a lot like her normal self. By the end of the week she should be able to move in to a rehab center. She's an amazing woman. But then again, anyone who could raise my dad and his two brothers (all whom are less than a year apart) would have to be pretty darn fantastic!

And lastly, on a little side note about me....my weight loss is now up to 33 lbs! I had a small gain last week because of the whole camping out at the hospital thing but I'm fine with it. These next 2 pounds are super important to me because it will put me under 200 lbs for the first time in my adult life. I was pleasantly surprised this week at my Weight Watchers meeting when my leader asked me and another guy to hang out for a minute because she had something for us. Turns out, she wants us both to apply for the Weight Watchers 2010 Role Model of the Year! I have to submit pictures and a 400 word essay with my application but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. I'm only a third of the way to my goal but I really have confidence in myself that I can do it. And heck, if I win a role model award then I pretty much have to get to goal this time, right?

He Did It!

2010-02-16T22:37:00.002-05:00

I'm shocked! Today was the first of DH's s/a appointments that had been *ahem* postponed. He finally went to get a collection kit yesterday and had a heck of a time getting one. I know he didn't sleep much if at all last night. That was his own fault though because he's ditched any progress he'd made in a "normal" sleep pattern. I ended up having to go for some training at work this morning so I wasn't home to take the specimen in as planned. I called home after I got out at 11:40 and was heading to my Weight Watchers meeting but I got the machine. His appointment was 11am so I half expected that he was in bed. I tried his cell any way and was really surprised when he answered.

Not only was he at the hospital, he'd been running around for a half hour trying to figure out where his specimen was supposed to go. Seems that they had closed/moved the fertility center about a month ago. But no one bothered to let us know that. And no one seemed terribly concerned that my husband was running around with a little cup of sperm in his pocket desperate to hand it off to someone before time ran out. He was directed to no less than 5 different places trying to discretely explain himself before finally arriving where he needed to go. I really do give him a lot of credit for this morning, I know it was frustrating and somewhat embarrassing. This is the same hospital that I work for so you can bet that I'm going to be giving someone an earful tomorrow as to why no one bothered to call us with new directions. Especially since DH told me that the first place he tried told him he was the third person that morning to come in trying to find out what had happened to the fertility center.

So we'll see what happens. Next Tuesday is his second s/a and we leave for Florida the following week. I doubt that we'll hear anything until after we get home. But at least it will finally be done!

Maybe

2010-02-09T19:24:00.003-05:00

DH told me last night that he'd tried to quit smoking again on Saturday while I was working my long day. He seems to think that quitting cold turkey by just staying in bed and locking himself away from the world is the best way to go. Whatever works for him I guess. The part that took me by surprise was the comment "Well, I should have done it a long time ago but if we're going to have a baby I have to quit." Hmmmm....maybe he thinks about it more than he lets on.

Guess We're Even

2010-02-09T00:41:00.003-05:00

I just got home from a rather long shift and well, work week for me (my "weekends" are Tuesdays and Wednesdays typically) to find the first status update in my news feed was from someone I went to high school with spouting off about how she could care less about people's Farmville crap. I'll admit, I play. Guilty. I enjoy some mindless entertainment.

I find it interesting that she'd rather bitch about it than just hide the app from her news feed. But I guess that makes us even because I really don't give a shit about the boring crap her kids are doing OR the brainless things she and her moron husband do when they're drunk with said kids in the apartment. Oh yes, and then let's tell the world about it on Facebook - complete with pictures! Parents of the world folks.

Yeah, I'm tired. And bitchy. Oh well.

Just checking in...

2010-02-02T14:34:00.002-05:00

Not a whole lot going on. DH's second s/a was scheduled for last Tuesday and he was insisting that he was still going to do it even though he missed his first one the week before. I flat out told him I was not paying $150 for this one test if his doctor didn't okay doing a single test instead of two. So he finally calls his urologist's office - half an hour before his s/a appointment- and makes his appeal to the nurse. She flat out told him that the doctor wouldn't even look at the results if it wasn't done the way he'd ordered it. I'd been pretty confident of that all along and had absolutely no delusions that he'd be going in last week. So now it's rescheduled for 2/16 and 2/23. We'll see what happens but I'm not holding my breath any more.

Of course not only did he promise that he really did want to do this but also blurted out that he was going to quit smoking too. I've been hearing that for oh, eight years now. Actions speak louder than words. We had a brief exchange over the weekend that I think finally registered with him. He was telling me about all these things he was going to do while I was working my 12 hour shift the next day but it was the same stuff he'd been telling me he was going to do for the last 3 days. I finally just turned to him and said "Hon, I can't just trust your words any more because you don't follow through. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear at the time and then go on your merry way. Show me I can count on you by doing things and telling me afterward." I could see by the shock on his face that he finally gets it - just telling me he's going to do things doesn't make me happy. He's taken care of a few things around the house since then that I've been asking him to for a long time so we'll see what happens from here.

As for me, I'm just focusing on taking care of things that I can right now. My weight loss is still moving along and as of today, I've lost 25 lbs on Weight Watchers. My 5K training got off track for a few weeks because of some tendinitis in my foot but I climbed back on my treadmill last night after work and huffed and puffed my way through a work out. I still have a month and I'm not nearly as terrified of getting picked up for not keeping pace any more. Plus, I'm seriously looking forward to buying some new warm weather clothes when we go! AF should be here in a day or two but I'm expecting that. Honestly, I haven't been doing anything in the TTC department. I'm aware of my fertile time just because CM is almost impossible not to notice now that I got use to checking it. But that's about it. And I'm okay with that. For now. ;o)

Hurt and angry

2010-01-19T11:06:00.002-05:00

It kind of all started on Sunday when it dawned on me that James' first of two repeat s/a was today and his last "emission" before the test had to be no more than 5 calendar days but no less than 2 days before the test. I called him from work to mention it and he didn't say anything. So I said "Unless you already took care of that." Still nothing. Okay. "Did you take care of that in the last few days?" He finally said "Yeah, after they called Friday to remind me about the appointment." Honestly, I was hurt. I mean, when you're trying to get pregnant, wouldn't you opt for BD vs manual operation - ESPECIALLY since he has no clue where I'm at in my cycle (and yes, this is my window). Not to mention the fact that it's been a few weeks. Then he goes on to tell me that he thinks his infection is back and wants his urine tested first. I told him he'd have to call the urologist on Monday to see if they could just take a quick look without actually seeing the doctor.

He knew I was upset. I know he was trying to make me feel better because he promised to get started on the laundry (piles upon piles of it because I've been so busy lately and James keeps promising (but hasn't) to look at the washer because it keeps spilling water all over the basement floor when it goes through the spin cycle) and clean up the house. I got home Sunday night and nothing had been touched. Nothing. I ended up going to bed barely saying a word because I knew it wouldn't be nice.

Last night I was at work again when I realized that he hadn't gone to pick up a collection kit. I called once at 4:30 and left a message. I called back again at 5:30 and he answered. I told him he needed to go pick up the kit and where to go. He asked how late they were open and I said I knew he could get in to pick one up at least until 6pm but I wasn't sure about any later than that. I asked if he'd gotten into the urologist and he told me he couldn't find the number. Ummm, his card is hanging on the refrigerator door. "Oh." On my way home, at 10:30pm, he called my cell to tell me that he had gotten there at 6:30pm and the building was closed. Great. Why he waited 4 hours to call I have no idea. We've collected specimens twice now and I know I could have gotten everything he needed at work except for the form that goes with it which I could have filled out today when I dropped it off. Except I had already left work. And he knew that. He told me "We'll figure something out."

I've been feeling rather overwhelmed by a lot of things lately and to add this on top of it made for a rather tearful drive home. It didn't help that when I walked in the door it was immediately evident that still nothing had been done while I was gone. I changed into my PJs and started hauling laundry baskets downstairs and cleaning upstairs. He sat on the couch the entire time without ever saying a word. This went on until about 2am when I finally just went to bed. By 2:30, he still hadn't come in so I went out to ask him if he was coming. He said he would soon. I asked him if he even wanted to be doing this (s/a, heck even having a baby) and he swore up and down that he did. I woke up again at 4am and could still hear him up. I woke up again at 7am and he still wasn't in bed. I got up and realized that he was sleeping in the guest room. Fine. Whatever.

This morning I woke up around 9:30 and could hear that he was up. Honestly, I was surprised. I got up to let the dog out and as I shuffled into the kitchen he mumbled "I canceled the test" then went back into the guest room. I let the dog out and then followed him. I asked him why and he said "I couldn't sleep." Hmmm....helps to go to BED when you're trying to sleep and you KNOW you have things scheduled in the morning - not to mention class this afternoon with homework due that hasn't even been started. I told him that I wished he'd been honest with me from the beginning because he was acting all along like he didn't want to do this and it really made me question the whole TTC thing. I also told him that the clinic likely wouldn't be able to get him in until March now because his s/as needed to be a week apart and they book up fast. By now he had the covers over his head and wouldn't answer me so I just left.

Really, I'm just incredibly hurt over the whole thing and very angry and this and more. Two and a half years ago when James lost his job I had just graduated and agreed to support us while he went back to school. He worked 50-60 hours a week to support us while I went full time. Neither of us knew that the economy would get so bad and that I'd end up having to work two part time jobs to make this work because jobs are so hard to find here in Michigan right now. He was supposed to be done with his program a month ago but because of all of the set backs we're looking at another two years. This isn't fair. He was supposed to be done and working full time by now while I was home with our baby and working part time. I'm really at my limit and feeling very alone here. I don't know what to do.

Oops

2010-01-16T09:54:00.003-05:00

I just realized I probably should have put a disclaimer before posting a picture of my new nephew. I'm sorry if it upset anyone. :o( I'm just so close to my family that while it saddens me that it happens so easily for them but not us, I am thankful for the growing family and absolutely dote on the boys. I realize it might have been insensitive though....and I'm sorry!

There's a new man in my life

2010-01-14T00:41:00.006-05:00

Well, he's more of a boy right now but I know someday he'll grow into a wonderful man because he comes from a long line of them. Meet Jaden Alan, my brother's second son. Jaden made his grand entrance into the world on 01/01/10 weighing in at 8 lbs 5oz. Everyone is doing well and I can't wait to go visit them in Florida in March. And everything aside with our struggles to get to baby, I really am thrilled for my family. They're wonderful, caring people and fantastic parents already.

So what else has happened in the last two weeks? A lot when I think of it but it's seemed more like day to day things and yet not (weird, I know). Let's try to sum it up:

My dad, at the age of 56 and only 6 months after a heart attack, ran a full marathon on 01/10 finishing in just 5 hours and 16 minutes. I'm tearing up just typing that because I'm so incredibly proud of him! He just started running 2 or 3 years ago so to have finished a marathon is pretty darn amazing.
I started back to school this week! I enrolled in an art class and a photography class but ended up dropping the art. It was an online course geared toward learning Photoshop but the instructor didn't even post anything until today - and the semester started on Saturday! Bah. On top of that, this photography class is going to be pretty stinkin' expensive. A new camera, a portable hard drive, photo paper, card reader, jump drive.....you get the idea. I'll go back and take the art if I decide to pursue photography further.
DH finally made up his mind on which school he wants transfer to and enrolled to finish his last two prereqs to enroll in the LPN to RN program there this fall. It's about time!
You may or may not have noticed from my ticker at the bottom but at my weigh in yesterday I hit the 20lb mark in my weight loss! I was positively giddy! I've been losing at a decent pace but when I realized that my net loss for December was only 1.6lbs, I really stepped up the exercise and made better food choices last week which obviously paid off huge. I now only have 2.6 lbs to lose before reaching my 10% weight loss goal.
My dear forever friend Amy moved in back home this past weekend! Amy's dad was our pastor back home for over a decade starting at the beginning of 8th grade for us. We bonded at school, youth group, and on summer mission trips. She'd been living in the UP (upper peninsula) with her now ex-husband and then with her parents after her divorce so we really haven't seen much of each other since I got married. She decided this fall that she wanted to finish her last 19 credits for her BS back down by where we grew up so my parents offered to let her live with them. Since no one else was going to be home, I drove up on Saturday to get her moved in and we had a great time. After we unpacked her Jeep we did a little shopping, had dinner out, and then vegged all day Sunday to a Glee marathon. I'm super excited she's back in the area and finally finishing her education!
Lastly, our house is once again quiet as this little critter has gone home.

Miss Baily Jo is my parents' 3 month old boxer puppy. She came to stay with us for two weeks while they were in Florida for Jaden's birth and Dad's marathon. My animals weren't to sure about her in the beginning because she has exactly two modes: on and off. But she's a sweet little girl and I'd gotten use to the sound of her galloping around the house.

That's about all for now! This coming Tuesday is DH's repeat s/a with his second one the following Tuesday. AF arrived rather promptly at New Year's so after we get the repeat results, we'll really start tracking and trying again. I think. If not next cycle then for sure in March after we get home from Florida and all that. But I promise I'll check in again before that. ;o)

Grumpy

2009-12-31T19:19:00.002-05:00

Okay, so maybe grumpy is saying it soft - I'm just plain pissed off. I'm not really sure at what exactly, it just seems to be a lot of little things all at once. Like having to haul all of the groceries in the house by myself yet again after fighting a mob of people at the store. Then finding that my mom & dad's puppy that we're watching had pooped in the guest room because DH didn't close the door. Then finding it still there after I loudly pointed it out and went to use the bathroom myself. Seeing the earliest twinges of spotting when I went to the bathroom. DH shrugging off actually doing anything for NYE (not that I was really that into it but I'm sick of being the one to make all the plans and then having him just sit there like a bump on a log). And then the neighbors started in with the damn fireworks - AGAIN. Oh yes, then I remembered this was the NYE we were supposed to be in NYC celebrating DH's graduation and RN license. Joy.

Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. I'm pretty sure this is just AF talking because I'm like seriously angry at a whole lot of nothing. But it still didn't stop me from picking up the phone and calling the cops on my pyro happy neighbors. I mean, I get July 4th and even NYE but seriously, when did Halloween become a fireworks worthy holiday? I guess I'd just rather not get my house burned down by some drunken idiots setting off professional sized fireworks in a heavily populated residential area, KWIM?

Blah and screw 2009 anyway.

Add another one to the list

2009-12-21T22:20:00.002-05:00

Last night on Facebook I came across an old friend of ours that we have not seen or heard from in 6 1/2 years. She was a friend of DH's before he and I met and actually is part of the chain that let to us meeting. J is the mother of my high school boyfriend's daughter but they haven't been together since about the time she was born 10 years ago. She introduced DH and the ex BF so DH could rent a room from the ex and ex could make his child support payments. Following so far? So when I moved back in with my parents 8 years ago, ex caught wind of it and called me trying to rekindle things. I called back, trying to very nicely tell him I was not interested and DH answered the phone (roomies, remember?) and as he was passing the phone to ex, made the comment I sounded cute. Ex said "Hello?" and I said "What did he just say?" Ex started laughing and handed the phone back to DH. We talked for 45 minutes, he asked if I wanted to catch a movie and we've been together ever since (much to the dismay of ex).

Okay, back to our friend J. She had just gotten engaged to someone else, M, when I met DH and was getting married the following year. DH proposed 9ish months later and we set a date for 3 months after J & M were getting married. She and I ended up bonding over wedding plans and hating on the ex BF (really rather funny and made ex completely crazy).

So today she confirms my friend request and sent me a bubbly note about how she's in the last weeks of her pregnancy and this time next month she'll be holding her beautiful twin girls. Looking over the rest of her profile, these will be children 4 and 5 for her. And what could I say? I told her where we're living, where I work, and what DH is doing in school. "No kids yet, but hopefully soon!" Right.

Great, so that makes FOUR people I know due in the next 3 weeks. Fantastic. This whole waiting for my turn thing is wearing my patience thin. I realize we haven't been actively trying in the last few months but I guess that's kind of part of the process when it goes on this long, don't you think? I figure that we;ve got another full cycle until we get DH's s/a results back then we'll give the Clomid a shot and go from there. The longing for a baby is still there, it just hurts too much to put the effort in without results any more.

One moment please!

2009-12-15T10:27:00.002-05:00

Please pardon the crappy look of my blog for a bit. I'm trying to learn how to format my blog with all those pretty backgrounds everyone else seems to have and well, I'm having issues that I don't have time to fix right now.

Pssst...would it be really bad to admit that I actually use to be able to write HTML in high school? Ugh.

Oh how the time flies!

2009-12-03T11:40:00.002-05:00

I know I've been an absent blogger lately. Life's just been busy I suppose. I've been sick for most of the last week which sucks but at least it happened after Thanksgiving. My brother and his family were up from Florida including my 17 month old nephew. I know a lot of women have talked about how hard it was to see other family member's children and pregnant bellies. For some reason I was fine with it. I loved sitting on the floor playing with him, seeing how quickly he learns things now, and especially when he picked my lap to crawl in when he was sleepy. My brother and I talked the night before they flew up and he was telling me how my SIL is not one of those women who adores being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, she loves being a mother and is pretty darn good at it too but the actual pregnancy thing is not her gig. I finally ended up telling him that DH and I have been trying for over a year. SIL has gotten pregnant twice on the pill now and while I know pregnancy isn't an easy thing, maybe it's harder to appreciate when it's come so easily to her. My brother was incredibly understanding and supportive and maybe that's part of what makes it easier not to begrudge them for their super fertility.

Even though I'm not feeling great I did drag our Christmas tree upstairs last night. I work a lot this month and I guess I figured if I didn't get it up soon, it wouldn't get put up at all. Plus I figured that it would spur me into dragging everything else out too. So I unzip the tree bag and the first thing I see is a stocking. A light green and white classic Pooh stocking I had bought on clearance at the end of the season last year. I figured it would work for a boy or a girl and still being relatively new to TTC, I was sure we'd have a baby by this time or at the very least be pregnant. Ha!

I do have some news on that front though. DH had his follow up with the urologist. The WBCs are gone which is awesome! So now we're scheduling the back to back s/a and we'll go from there. And even though AF dropped by yesterday, it was the first time ever that I've had a "perfect" 28 day cycle! Even though I haven't been tracking at all, I was pretty sure I Oed earlier this month and it looks like I was right. I attribute it to recent weight loss (11.6 pounds as of Tuesday) and exercising more. I think we're going to let nature take it's course for the next few months still before getting back to really trying. I'd really like to lose another 20 lbs or so even though I know I have a lot more than that to ultimately lose but I really don't feel like taking a whole year off to do it. DH has decided he really does want to finish his RN and there is a chance he could start another program this summer and be done spring 2011.

I guess that's it for now....I'll try to be around more! :o)

Unacceptable

2009-11-02T23:16:00.006-05:00

Have you ever seen the movie "The Terminal"? It's a relatively unknown movie (as far as I know) starring Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Anyway, I caught it on HBO several years ago and I loved it immediately. Tom Hanks character (Victor) arrives to visit New York City from a tiny European country speaking very little English. While trying to go through customs, it's discovered that Victor's government was over thrown by rebels while he was in the air so his passport and visa are no longer valid. But because of the war, no travel is allowed in to or out of his homeland. He's stuck in limbo and told he's simply "unacceptable." Not that he understands what that means or why.

So what's a man who's not allowed to enter the country he's in nor allowed to return to his own country to do? Live at the airport for 9 months finding ways to survive with a certain spunk about him. The story is just the right combination of touching and humor for me. I pulled out my copy of the movie over the weekend and watched it on my lap top during a rare slow night at work. And I ended up relating to it on a whole new level in light of events from this past year.

We still have not heard anything from the dean at school. DH is very slowly making baby steps to figure out what he's going to do next while backsliding into self pity on a regular basis which I find myself having less and less patience for. And I just keep chugging along. It seems like all I do is work and sleep. Honestly we didn't even try last month. I know when I Oed and I know AF will be here in 2 or 3 days. I didn't tell DH though. I don't feel like we're in a place to be trying right now. Especially not since he's had his script for his repeat s/as for 3 weeks now and still hasn't bothered to call to schedule them. Despite the fact that around here it takes a month to get in, he's supposed to follow up with the urologist in 3 weeks, and it'll take at least 3 weeks turn around for the doc to get both sets of results back (two tests, one week apart, one week a piece to get results to the office). Yes, he knows that.

I mentioned before that the first WW meeting I went to was about making time for yourself and I'm still doing my best to do that but in less obvious ways. I finally called my doctor's office and asked about a referral to physical therapy for my migraines/headaches, neck, and shoulder pain. I went 3 times last week and have 2 more weeks of the same. I feel a huge difference already and honestly I didn't realize how much stress and tension I carry in my neck and shoulders. I'm also taking the time to make healthy foods at home to pack for work. I weigh in tomorrow but to date I've lost 3.8 lbs. This time I'm trying to focus more on just following the program and letting the weight loss be a bonus by-product. But the meetings really are a good motivation for me and I wish I had tried them sooner. When I first signed up I figured I'd cancel after the free month was over but now I'd like to keep going.

So with TTC, DH's school, and well...life in general it seems I guess I'm just plodding along waiting in my own sort of limbo, until I'm "acceptable" again too. In the mean time, if you need me, I'll be living over in my very own gate 67.

Still no news

2009-10-17T12:38:00.002-04:00

Cycle 12, CD 15

Well, the week came and went without any word from the dean. He said we'd hear from him by Tuesday or Wednesday last week but not a peep the entire week. I really don't have any idea what's going on. We found out yesterday that another girl from his class who was failed earlier in the semester was failed because she's foreign and they didn't feel she grasped the English language well enough to continue. Really? She made it through an entire year of nursing school and paid how much money for someone to decide half way through that she didn't speak well enough to pass? Apparently they don't just discriminate against men....

DH had his urology appointment on Thursday. Doc doesn't trust a single s/a so he wants him to have two more a week apart. They took a urine sample and yes, WBCs were still present. DH called me as he was leaving and I told him that we weren't doing the repeat s/a until there was some sort of treatment done. We know there is some sort of infection if there are WBCs in his urine and semen and I'm not dropping another $300 until there's at least some attempt at treating whatever is going on! So DH went back in and talked to the nurse. They gave him a script to have his urine cultured and for a month of Cipro. Wow! That's pretty aggressive, in fact DH isn't sure he wants to be antibiotics for that long. I'm feeling like it's probably necessary at this point. Thinking back he's had episodes were we've thought he had kidney issues and I wouldn't be surprised if he's had an infection for a long time without being very symptomatic. His physical exam checked out fine though. He's got an appointment to go back in 6 weeks and hopefully this time I can go with him.

And I have to admit, I kind of feel like we're just in a holding pattern. I've gotten really lax about temping, charting, and even using my CBEFM. It just all seems pointless right now. I know that it's going to take some time to get DH's issues resolved so it's kind of like why stress out about it for now? DH is still pretty depressed too and I just don't feel like being the BD nazi pushing him to DTD, ya know? So maybe I'll take a cue from my WW meeting and just focus on me for now. Get back to eating better, exercising, and listening to my body. It's still working toward a baby....just in a different way. ;o)

I almost forgot!

2009-10-14T01:13:00.002-04:00

Cycle 12, CD 11

With all the happenings surrounding DH and school, I almost totally forgot about all the stuff that happened the rest of the week! As I mentioned, AF arrived on Saturday so I schlepped to both of DH's school meetings and then to work that night feeling like complete and total crap on Friday. Saturday and Sunday were back to back 12 hour shifts which left me totally exhausted. Thursday marked the official one year anniversary of the beginning of us TTC. I really didn't remember it until this weekend though. I think I'd dealt with it last Monday when AF went really nuts. I ended up with a nice hearty cry in the shower when I saw pink suds going down the drain (sorry - TMI). It just seemed so metaphorical for how I was feeling. Friday I went in to work early and saw no less than 20 cop cars in the few short miles from my house to work, the last 3 of which were camped in front of the hotel next to the urgent care. I found out later that there had been an armed robbery with shots fired (no injures thank God) at the hotel next to work not even 20 minutes before I arrived. The rest of the cop cars I had seen on my way to work were apprehending the suspects. Seriously freaky. This past Saturday my sister came down for a stitch 'n ' bitch while we watched some scary movies. I was luck enough to get my shift covered for Sunday afternoon so I could take DH to the football game. The week ended much better than it began.

And after a lot of back and forth, I ended up joining Weight Watchers today. I've done WW online in the past but never attended meetings. I've been meaning to go join for like 3 weeks now but finally went to do it today before their month free offer expires this week. I don't suppose that it was really a coincidence that the topic of the meeting today was taking care of yourself. It's not something that I do very often or very well. Finding ways and time to put yourself first is easier said than done but I suppose this is a step in the right direction. Better to do it now than trying to figure it out later with a LO, right?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

2009-10-12T12:01:00.002-04:00

Cycle 12, CD 10

So what do you do when it's not your pity party and you're tired of the crying and ready for action? DH is in the midst of his second major pity party in just a few short months. It's understandable but I'm ready for some action. On Friday 10/2 DH got called into a meeting with his clinical instructor and asked me to go with him because we both had an inkling that it wasn't good. He was already on probation because the mentor he was with the week before had made 2 med errors (ridiculous). So when he was finishing his homework to turn in the following week and realized he was missing two lab values for his patient, he panicked. He had missed a lab value before and when he asked his instructor what to do, his clinical grade for that day was changed from pass to fail. He called a friend to vent and his friend told him that she knew another student had the same patient from another clinical group because she had overheard this other student talking about her patient in the library. So DH calls this other girl, we'll call her G, explains the situation and asks if she has the labs. G laughs and says "No, I couldn't find them either so I made them up. I do it all the time." ?!!? DH didn't want to do that so G offers to get the real numbers when she goes to clinicals the next night. Long story short, clinical instructor caught wind of it and DH was confronted when he showed up for clinicals. Since G hadn't gotten him the real numbers, he used her made up numbers so at least they would match. Now, I know this was wrong but in all fairness, it wasn't work that was going to be part of the patient's chart or affect him in any way shape or form. So DH spills the whole story when he's confronted. And then the call came that night to meet with his instructor the next morning. Shit.

His instructor said that him using false lab values constituted falsifying the document which was cause for immediate failure which means immediate failure from the program. She repeatedly told him that this has happened in the past and this was how it was handled and how it would always be handled and he was not the only one being affected that day. She encouraged him to go up the chain of command and meet with the course instructor. DH called her and she asked if he'd like to meet with the nursing chair at the same time. Two birds with one stone, sure, why not. It was a complete brick wall and they told him basically he just needed to take his LPN and move on. Great. On to a very drunken, bitter weekend for DH while I got to go work back to back 12 hour shifts and start AF. Fanfuckingtastic.

Monday the phone rings and it's a friend from class. G was there taking the exam that morning! Would someone PLEASE explain to me how he falsified a document but she didn't if he used her numbers?! DH was so angry he was shaking. So we called the dean and asked for a meeting. They emailed him the form to make a formal appeal (interesting, no one mentioned that was an option before) and set up a meeting for Wednesday. Tuesday night he gets a stuttering phone call from the nursing chair asking to meet with him because she heard he was meeting with the dean. Interesting. Anyway, the dean is investigating and we should hear from him later this week. DH pretty much had to raise the issue of sexism so he's also investigating the percentages of males failing from the program vs females which I think will be interesting.

But where does that leave us? Because it's the second time DH has failed, he can't reapply to their program for 5 years. The first time he failed was in June. My dad had a heart attack Memorial Day weekend and we were trying to get over to see him. DH hadn't seen his nurse at all that day on the floor so when it was time to go, he told his clinical instructor he hadn't seen her and needed to leave. She told him to go ahead and leave but then failed him for leaving without giving report to his nurse. WTF?!?! At that point he was told he couldn't make any appeals because it was completely at the clinical instructor's discretion and was just readmitted in the program for this fall. So we're getting his paperwork together to apply to take his LPN exam. We've picked 3 schools within a half hour from here as options to transfer to and finish his RN but he needs to go meet with each advisor and figure out which one is going to be the best pick.

In the meantime, he's wallowing in his failure. It upsets me because I feel like he spent the whole summer doing the same thing. There's nothing we can do but pick up and move forward right now. I'm frustrated because when he went back to school I knew I was taking on the financial responsibilities until he was done. Originally, he would have been done in just 8 weeks from now. After his first failure, he would have been done in the beginning of May. Now....who knows. Life has not been easy since DH entered nursing school and in some ways it's a relief to be out of the death grip school has had on our lives. I think I'd be perfectly content if DH stayed an LPN. He still thinks he'd be a failure.

I'm doing my best to be supportive. I took him to the Lions/Steelers game in Detroit yesterday because he's been a Steelers fan all his life. It was good to see him smile and enjoy himself. I really need him to pick himself up and move on with life. But how?

The Curse of Facebook

2009-09-29T22:59:00.002-04:00

Cycle 11, CD 31

I just had to hide my cousin and her husband on Facebook because they've been posting nonstop the last few days about her being about ready to pop. The smiley face belly pics yesterday put me over the top. She didn't even really want to have kids yet and now she's having a little girl in October just like I always wanted. The little bitch always got everything I wanted when we were kids too. I hope I don't burn in hell for saying that since she's a minister now.

And to top it off, Facebook suggested a girlfriend of mine from high school as a friend to add tonight when I logged on. It's the same friend I posted about complaining that it took them two whole weeks to get pregnant! I didn't add her because I could see that her profile pic was one of her holding her new daughter.

Fuck. Is it wrong to hope she doesn't notice me for awhile?

The results are in...

2009-09-27T00:28:00.003-04:00

DH's s/a results came in the mail last weekend. I was at work and got a text message from him saying we needed to talk. I kind of started to panic and called him immediately. He answered the phone and I asked what was going on. He started to stutter a little bit and I cut him off and told him to spit it out already because my heard was pounding out of my chest. So he blurts out "Baby, I'm infertile. I can't get you pregnant." I broke out into a sweat and yelled "Just tell me, are there sperm? Are there ANY sperm?!?" It's probably a good thing I was back in the dark room with the processor running because that would have been a really awkward thing to have to explain to my coworkers.

I got him to run down his numbers with me and while the results were not stellar, I would say they were sub-par at worst, he certainly is not infertile. And I thought I was a drama queen! The two main concerns are that he had 14 WBCs when the normal parameters were 0-5 and that his morphology showed that 40% were tapered. His count was a little low but from what I've read that could just be from the WBCs. So my doc's office called back yesterday to talk about it with me and basically didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know - that he has some sperm that are abnormally shaped and she wants him to see a urologist. Oh yes, and that lovely golden ticket I got last week? Just hold on to that for now dear. Great.

Honestly, I wasn't about to waste 2 rounds of Clomid without getting DH's boys squared away first. There's just no point in making me ovulate better if there's nobody there to meet it! And who's to say that this won't take care of things without needing to move on to Clomid? That wasn't any great surprise but I'm glad to know that we were on the same page.

All that aside....for any of you TTC out there, do you ever have thoughts you know you shouldn't have towards other pregnant women? I have a confession. There is someone I met very briefly from my time on the TTC boards. Her stay was very brief which both relieved and aggravated me at the same time but even in that short period there was something about her that really rubbed me the wrong way. Now I know that it doesn't take any special education to be a parent or to be a good parent for that matter. But she didn't strike me as particularly bright (actually rather ignorant) and while I don't like to judge it didn't sound like they were really in any financial position to be having children. I know, I know...I've heard people say that you can't ever really afford children. Anyway, I'm ashamed to say that I have occasionally over the months secretly followed her on her EDD monthly board. I hadn't checked in on her in awhile but I did today because she's toward the end of her last trimester. I found a post where she referred to her unborn daughter by name and about spit my drink across the room. Honestly? Just sign the girl up for stripper classes now. Oh yes, and prepare for the hatred that will come because honey, as original as it may be, she will hate you for it. Especially if she ever decides to over come the short comings of her family roots and apply for med or law school some day.

Okay, I know I'm getting snarky now. I can't help it. This is my outlet and I'm airing it out. But here's my point: why her? Why does she get to spend the upcoming holidays holding her little girl in her arms after only trying for a few months (mind you without really the resources to care for the child once it's born) and here we are. Almost a whole fucking year later with a big lot of nothing to show for it. It's not fair. I don't know why this woman and her pregnancy bother me more than any other but they just do. I can't explain it.

Of course!

2009-09-22T11:04:00.002-04:00

Cycle 11, CD 24

I seriously am ready to scream! The one month that I finally have a plan to move forward with next month, O is NOWHERE in sight! I've had high readings on my CBEFM since CD 13 and still no peak! Still have fertile CM so I'd have to believe that I didn't miss it somehow. I'm just so frustrated! Maybe it's a blessing in disguise though because DH has been so stressed with school that finding time that we're both home and awake has been challenging. *sigh*

So I guess for now I'm going to get back to basics and work at being healthier. I think I'm going to take advantage of the Weight Watchers special running right now and join again. I've done online before with some success but I've not tried meetings before. And I need to get out my walking shoes again. My sister and sister-in-law want to do a 5K in the Magic Kingdom in March and I totally want to join them. I'm not worried about finishing - I know I can do 5K but there is a pace requirement of 16 miles per hour. That's not terribly challenging but I've been neglecting my exercise for long enough that it would be a little difficult to stick to that.

And now back to waiting....*sigh

I've got a golden ticket!

2009-09-18T22:14:00.002-04:00

Cycle 11, CD 20

Okay, not really a golden ticket but pretty darn close! Today was my follow up with Dr. H after meeting with my NP earlier this summer. I'd never met Dr. H before since she took over for my last doc but I really liked her! This was her first week back from maternity leave and she told me I was her first infertility patient since coming back. :o)

She was pretty happy to see that I was already on a working dose of Metformin, that I am/have been charting and am now using a CBEFM, that DH's s/a results should be available at the beginning of the week, and well basically that I'm pretty informed! So here's the game plan:

1) Continue have my progesterone checked 7 DPO
2) Call the office at the beginning of my next cycle to schedule a CD 12/13 ultrasound
3) Clomid 50mg (!!!!) CD 3-7 next cycle
4) Follow up with her in 2 months if no BFP

JOY!!!! She said that an HSG is recommended before starting Clomid but she conceived on Clomid and declined one before giving it ago so she was comfortable giving me 2 tries while declining the HSG. If no BFP, then we'll have to do it. And even though it will be in the main radiology department (like I was afraid) she actually would be the one to do the exam. Yay!

So going back to my title, I seriously wanted to skip out of the office singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because that's what that Clomid script felt like. I really thought I was going to have to jump through some hoops that I wasn't looking forward to before getting it and honestly I kind of figured that the in between was going to end up being lost time. This feels like a great compromise. Plus, I was really happy to hear that she'd worked with an RE in the past so she's pretty comfortable with the infertility issues. I'm thinking that's why she went ahead with the ultrasound monitoring right away too which is fantastic.

For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually pretty excited about TTC again! :o)

A Moment to Remember

2009-09-11T22:15:00.002-04:00

Today marks the 8th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks here in the US. In the last few years there have been various interviews, articles, and TV programs leading up to and on this date. Yet when I got up today, seemingly the only acknowledgment that this day was any different from others was a series on the History Channel.

While flags may fly at half mast today, it feels like that's exactly where 9/11 has moved to - the history books. To me it feels too soon to have moved on so quickly. Even watching the footage today brings me to tears because it takes me back to that day: the panicked need to know exactly where my loved ones were even though we were no where near the attacks that day and the terror of the unknown that night, of wondering what was to come next and if we could expect more unnecessary carnage.

Unfortunately more carnage has come, whether it was necessary or not I don't think I'm qualified to judge and answer that. And while I don't envy I do respect those required to judge and answer that question. And even beyond that I have the utmost respect and gratitude for those who are willing to face the danger, home and abroad, to protect the lives and safety of the rest of us. There is something so special in the spirits of our military, police, fire fighters, and other emergency responders that certainly sets them apart from the rest. For that, all I can offer is my heartfelt thanks.

No matter how much time continues to pass, I hope none of us forgets what we learned about ourselves that day, about what truly matters in life, and certainly about how we learned to care for those around us without question. The towers may have gone down in a blaze that morning but the spirit and compassion of America was reignited.

Just tossing it out there....

2009-08-28T11:39:00.002-04:00

Cycle 10, CD 30, 12 DPO

The past two days my bbs have hurt. Today they feel huge. I've had heartburn since like 4DPO which is not normal for me. Something just feels different this time. I know I've thought that before.

We only got one BD in this time because of vacation so I don't want to get my hopes up. And ICs have both been clearly BFNs the last two mornings. I couldn't help myself. But still....something feels different....

Waiting and waiting again

2009-08-26T17:13:00.003-04:00

Cycle 10, CD 28, 10 DPO

So here we are again, waiting to see if we start another cycle or if by some miracle this was it. I'm not entirely sure if I Oed on CD 18 or 19 because I didn't get a peak reading until CD 18 but my temp spiked on CD 19. FF tells me that I O the day after my first peak reading. But we were on vacation at the time and my sleep schedule was off. To play it safe, I didn't get my 7 DPO labs done until CD 26. I really haven't been temping much lately because well...it almost feels like it's become pointless. I was thinking earlier today about how this has almost become more of a life style type thing because we've been at this so long. It's almost surreal to think that someday I won't have to do all of this monitoring because we'll actually get pregnant. But I learned awhile ago to not assume that this is the cycle and just start planning for the next. It's kind of dejecting to think that way but I guess it protects me a little from not having my heart so completely broken every month.

Next month things will move into another gear either way. DH has his rescheduled s/a for 9/14 and I'm really hoping that I can cajole them into getting the results ready in time for my appointment on 9/18. This one is with my OB/GYN who's over the NP I usually see (and love!). I've not met this doc before because she's just replaced my previous doc there. This is when we'll start things in motion for an HSG (ugh, hopefully I can get it done before the first year students start at the hospital) and whatever else she has in mind for me - likely Clomid. I'll be interested in hearing her thoughts on my progesterone levels last cycle and this (which I don't have results yet) since that's basically all I have to show since last time. So basically this cycle and next are my last chances before having to really plunge into testing.

The other thought I've been circling around is baby bellies. DH and I had talked on vacation about how neither of us really likes to have our picture taken. I don't mind head shots but it really makes me sad to see full body pics of myself because I don't "see" myself as being as large as I am. I've been a big girl all my life and while I'm not as big as I've been in the past, I still want to punch the little Wii man every time I use the Wii Fit and he tells me I'm obese when I weigh in. *sigh* Anyway, I had a really sad thought earlier about how I wonder if anyone will really be able to tell I'm pregnant if I'm this obese. Will I get that sweet baby bump or will I just look fatter than I am? And I can't stand the thought of having to buy even larger scrubs! So of course that started another train of thought about wondering if i could just sew an elastic top into some of my scrub pants when the time comes. *sigh* But then again...I feel like I'm just getting ahead of myself right now....

Two whole weeks!

2009-07-28T14:06:00.000-04:00

So my girlfriend called today to say she had her baby last Thursday. Of course we had to go through the whole birthing story. As she was winding down she started talking about how she thought it would have taken them longer to get pregnant. They got married in November because she wanted kids like yesterday (her second marriage, ironically divorced the first time because she didn't want kids) and "tried for two whole weeks straight!" right after the wedding. But then she took a HPT that was negative followed by a positive a week later. Not even married a month and she got pregnant right away. And she ended the whole thing with "So are you guys trying?"

ARGH!!!!! How is it someone who apparently doesn't even understand the whole ovulation cycle get pregnant on the first try so easily? It just frustrates the HECK out of me. Don't get me wrong, I really do like my friend and I am very happy for her. Just after the whole ordeal with the s/a yesterday and then I started spotting last night/this morning....*sigh* it's taking a lot of effort to be happy for her.

S/A take one?

2009-07-27T22:09:00.003-04:00

Cycle 9, CD 34, 11 DPO

Adding to the list of signs you may have been TTC too long:

8. Typically a very cautious and considerate driver, you suddenly develop an insane case of road rage as you race your husband's semen sample to the clinic after snatching it from his hands and, ignoring the look of horror on his face, stuff it down your shirt as you fly out the door.

DH had his s/a scheduled this morning. I was concerned about his "stage fright" playing a factor but he actually came through like a champ - no pun intended. I made it to the clinic in fantastic time despite every single road I normally take to get there being closed or slowed due to construction. Ah the joys of a Michigan summer. I must have jinxed myself by thinking how smoothly this was all going because I had no soon had that thought as I was pulling his sample out to hand to the clerk when I noticed that it was bright red. I didn't want to waste time puzzling over it so I handed it over, finished the paper work, and headed home. I called DH to let him know everything had gone well when after hemming and hawing for a few minutes he blurted out that there was a bunch of blood in his sample and he was more than a little freaked out. After talking for a few minutes, he mentioned that he'd had some mild pain last night similar to what he's had in the past when he think he's been passing kidney stones.

So when I got home I called the clinic. When I finally got through to a tech, he told me that the coloring was obviously not normal, so much so that he had already called my doctor's office to let them know. I asked if it would interfere with running the test and he wasn't very sure but once again asserted that it was something DH was going to need to have checked out. Yes, I know, thank you Captain Obvious. But since we're paying out of pocket for this, I needed to know if we should let them go ahead with the testing. He suggested calling my GYN's office which I did and of course had to leave a message. Thankfully the nurse called back fairly quickly. She agreed that it was entirely possible that passing a kidney stone could be the source of the blood since semen and urine pass through the same opening. She was also unsure of how it would affect the results but agreed to call the tech at the clinic to come to some sort of consensus on whether or not to run the sample. I gave my full blessing to cancel if we aren't going to give any info out of it. The last of these conversations happened while I was on the road to pick up DH's youngest sister to come spend the next few days with us so I didn't hear any more today.

After Googling this, it seems that for the most part hematospermia (blood in the semen) can be fairly benign or signal a problem further up the tract. Great, just what we need, something to be wrong with DH too. I mean, this is the first time we've noticed it but thinking back, there have been times even before TTC that after BDing, DH would go to clean up and come back to ask if he had hurt me because he'd noticed a bit of blood. Once or twice I've noticed my cervix had been irritated from getting carried away but now I wonder if more often than not the pink was from him and we just assumed it was from me because well...you don't assume that it's from him. It just starts a whole series of "what ifs" the biggest of course jumping straight to....."what if we're just not meant to have kids?" Fortunately, DH has an appointment to meet his new primary doctor next Thursday so this is going right up at the top of the list of things to talk about. I'm half tempted to call and schedule a urologist appointment as well but I don't want to step on toes. But just to get a head start, maybe I'll start asking the docs at work for a couple of names for who to go too.

AND as if this wasn't enough to deal with today....I think I started spotting too. :o( Cycle 10, here we come...joy.

Finally!

2009-07-17T10:19:00.002-04:00

Cycle 9, CD 24

Yay! I had my second peak reading this morning along with a decent temp spike. Now I know my mouth was open when I woke up this morning so I'm not exactly sure how accurate my temp is but it's definitely more in my typical post-O range. We managed to a BD in last night but **TMI warning** not in a necessarily ideal position. So we'll try again tonight and see what happens. I'm really happy it didn't happen on the weekend because it'll be much easier to get my 7DPO labs drawn and pick up DH's S/A kit this way. Yay!

Frustrated!

2009-07-16T10:55:00.002-04:00

Cycle 9, CD 23

It still hasn't happened yet. I go to bed every night thinking "Maybe it'll be tomorrow" but so far, nada. I had a positive OPK on CD 17 which seemed to be the norm for me. But then nothing! No temp shift and I still kept having fertile CM. So I kept testing. I went through the whole OPK pack without another positive. Finally I lied to my new CBEFM about my cycle day so I could start using that. It gave me a peak reading today and I had a huge temp dip. I suspect I might have been sleeping with my mouth open a bit.

My other frustration is DH himself. He was fantastically supportive and tried SO hard last week when I got my +OPK. He's gotten an odd case of stage fright around O since we've started trying. But he can't seem to grasp that I didn't O when I thought I would. His attitude TOTALLY did a 180 and the other night, well, he might as well have flipped the bird right in my face with the way he was acting. So needless to say, we haven't kept up with the BDing. I'm so torn because I'm seriously upset with him but is it worth throwing another cycle for? Urgh!

To compound matters I'm working a lot of hours lately. Like a lot. Today is the half way point in an 8 day stretch. I have some vacation time next week and I cannot WAIT!

It's here! It's here!

2009-07-01T16:57:00.002-04:00

Cycle 9, CD 8

It's HERE! I'm so excited! My CBEFM arrived today from eBay and I can't WAIT to use it! But my test sticks aren't here yet and I'm past the window to start testing. So it'll sit for now probably and I'll use the OPKs I picked up yesterday instead. But I'm still super excited!

I was a good girl today and remembered to take my temperature. It was later and my sleep was disrupted but at least it's a number to plug in. I'm excited to at least be getting my lab draws this month to confirm O and see about an LP defect. We're moving forward again!

Moving forward

2009-06-30T13:57:00.002-04:00

Cycle 9, CD 7

So I went to the OB/GYN today to take my nurse practioner up on her offer for some fertility assistance. I had told her at my yearly appointment back in October that we were officially starting to try and she told me to let her know if we needed help since I'd already been diagnosed with PCOS. Well, 8 cycles and 9 months later I'm ready for some help. It looks like it's going to take a little bit of time though because the OB that my provider practices under is out on maternity leave.

For now, I have a standing lab order to have my progesterone drawn 7DPO for the next few cycles to make sure that I am really ovulating and that there isn't any LP defect (my LPs are getting more on the shorter end at 11 days lately). She also sent in a request for DH to have a s/a done which apparently requires an appointment at the lab here. Unfortunately she said the lab is pretty backed up so we likely won't get an appointment until August. But since I won't be able to see the other doc until September when she comes back, it's not really a huge deal.

If we're not pregnant by the time doc is back, we'll have an appointment to see her and likely schedule an HSG which I'm not particularly looking forward to. It's not the test itself but that I'm an x-ray tech and worked as a student in the department that I'd have to have it done in so I know most anyone there, including the radiologists. Plus I'm sort of nervous that there is some blockage because of something from several years ago. Before DH, I was in a long term relationship for several years. At the end when I'd decided to quit my job and move home to my family, I went in for an annual exam before I lost my insurance. I told the doctor that I couldn't be certain what all was going on with my ex so she tested me for STDs. Turns out the jerk had given me chlyamidia who knows when and I know that can cause some tubal scaring. Just something else to worry about I suppose.

So that's the plan for now. I know this was long winded but I think it helps me to lay it all out. :o)

The end of another decade....and cycle

2009-06-27T00:42:00.001-04:00

Cycle 9, CD 4

Today is the last day of another decade for me. I can't believe I'll be 30 tomorrow. It seems like I just got use to the idea that I wasn't really in my mid 20s any more. I don't want to be some kind of typical hysterical basket case about this but holy crap this is kicking my butt! AF reared her ugly head again a few days ago and unfortunately it's hitting me as hard as I thought it would. This time really is the worst; I've been so emotional/tearful the last few days I don't know quite what to do with myself.

I know it's irrational but when I was diagnosed with PCOS back in 1998 I kind of just got it in my mind that if I wasn't pregnant by the time I was 30 that it just wasn't going to happen for me. Now I know that women with PCOS have more options to conceive now than ever. And I know that women a decade older than me can fairly successfully conceive too. It's just that I'm afraid that the rough road I'd envisioned is coming true. Some part of me figured when I started ovulating regularly last fall that it would be a piece of cake from there. And yes, I know people without fertility problems can take as long and longer than we are. But now it's time to start moving things into a higher gear. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on Tuesday to talk about Clomid, possibly a short LP, and an s/a for DH. And as I type I'm also eyeing Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitors on eBay. I just hope that we get lucky here soon because I don't know if I can stand feeling like such a failure every month for much longer....

You may have been TTC for too long if....

2009-06-05T13:34:00.000-04:00

1. Upon hearing of yet another person you know who just found out she’s pregnant, you are able to swiftly calculate her EDD simply by relating today’s date to your current cycle day.

2. Your morning routine now includes promptly recording your BBT and CM before even starting the coffee maker without even thinking about it.

3. After recording said BBT and CM, and while the coffee is brewing, you count and then recount the number of days until O or AF so that you can figure out which day you may start peeing on which ever stick is appropriate for your half of the current cycle.

4. For every pregnant woman that passes you (all bazillion of them!), you size up how far along she is, how you’ll look at that stage in your pregnancy, and jealously wonder how long it took her to get pregnant.

5. You plot ways to get your DH to BD just one more time while you're fertile!

6. You make a mental list of baby items you see at stores that you’ll come back to get if this cycle is your cycle, mainly because the closet is already too full of the things you’ve bought in previous cycles assuming that this one HAD to be it.

7. You no longer curse every cramping twinge of your abdomen but instead silently rejoice because that MUST be your new LO making herself at home in your womb!

Set backs

2009-06-04T11:46:00.001-04:00

Cycle 8, CD 13

Well, I had decided to go ahead and temp this cycle but it's been hard getting back into the swing of it. I've learned from past cycles though that even without perfect charting technique, they can still be useful in determining O. I've been trying to quell any excitement at the thought of getting a super special birthday present in the form of a BFP at the end of the month. Like I said before, it's too easy to read signs into things.

I was feeling fairly confident with this decision until we got some news Sunday night. DH is going to have to repeat a course at school and at the minimum, it'll set him back a semester. In the big picture of life, I know it's not a very big deal. But before I was taking some comfort in knowing that starting with this cycle, DH would more likely than not have good/great insurance for our whole family by the time our LO would be born if we were successful this cycle. I have great insurance for myself, but right now we'd have to pay A LOT to cover a LO too. Now that's not going to happen either.

We'll have to wait a bit to find out when he might be able to reenter his program. And after we know more about how long of a delay we're looking at, maybe we can talk more about TTC strategies. I'm scheduled to meet with my OB/GYN at the end of the month and depending on when/if AF comes this month, we could start Clomid as early as next cycle. I just don't know if I feel comfortable doing that not knowing for how long our lives have essentially been put on hold ....

So much for relaxing!

2009-05-25T00:23:00.000-04:00

Cycle 8, CD2

Cycle eight. Cycle EIGHT! Seriously. Somewhere in my mind I didn't think it would happen this month but I guess there as an assumption too that really if I just relaxed and didn't stress, it would happen. It didn't. So enough already, I'm ready to take the next step. Here's the plan:

1. I'm calling the OB/GYN on Tuesday to make an appointment. DH would like an s/a and I'd like to talk Clomid. I've also been having some dull aching on my left side so I'm wondering about another ultrasound since it's been a few years.

2. I'm going to start temping again in the morning. I'm also ordering more PreSeed and OPKs. I need to get back to really pinpointing O if I'm going to figure out if I really do have a shorter LP.

3. I have to lose weight. Have to. That includes eating the way I know is going to serve me better and exercising.

4. I need to get DH in to a doctor for his own preconception visit in addition to the s/a. He understands that he needs to change some of his habits to help move this along too but it's not sinking in. He needs to hear it from someone other than me that he needs to make changes.

I know there's more to all of this but it's late, I'm exhausted, and I just can't think any more. :o(

Whiling away another 1WW

2009-05-19T23:30:00.001-04:00

Cycle 7, 8 DPO

I say whiling but really it's more like dragging myself through. This was supposed to be my stress free cycle but now that I'm getting closer to AF I'm getting more wound up. It doesn't help that I'm working 6 days a week and trying to get a bunch of stuff done here at home. On top of that, I think I'm getting sick. :o(

Overall, I've been feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I guess the worrying is just in my nature. My biggest mistake was probably taking the OPK this month and knowing when I was Oing. We may have a shot but I'm not terribly optimistic. After 6 cycles, I've had to learn to just assume that this cycle isn't it. I know it's probably better to keep a positive attitude but I just get too hopeful. I've found too many ways to find signs that this was meant to be our month....like when my EDD would have been our anniversary and later my grandpa's birthday or when we would have been able to make our announcement at Christmas or Valentine's Day. It's just all too much any more.

Right now I'm trying to decide if I'm willing to give myself one more "stress free" month or not. The biggest downside to it is that depending on when my O falls, I could end up getting AF to end our 8th cycle on my 30th birthday. I've already been slightly freaked out over completing another decade and I think I might just completely lose it if it wasn't a successful cycle. The upside if we really do try and finally get it right, well, that would be a pretty freakin' awesome birthday present. :o)

Cycle 7, CD?

2009-05-09T23:33:00.000-04:00

So I threw the thermometer in the drawer for this cycle and probably next as well. I just couldn't take it any more. It's been too hard when I know I'm Oing and we don't do anything about it. So I had to just say fuck it for awhile. It wasn't half bad until my brother told me today that their expecting again. Which has prompted tonight's pity party.....

Why is this taking so long?
Why can other people get pregnant on the pill....twice?
Why can some people announce their pregnancies almost instantly without thought to whether or not it'll stick?
Why am I so terrified of finally getting pregnant and losing it?
Why can't my body do the one thing it's supposed to do as a woman?
Why does my mom have to say things like "If you ever have kids..."?
Why is it getting harder and harder to be happy for other people's pregnancies/babies?
Why are there so many fucking pregnant woman and babies around me?!?!
Why did I buy so many damn baby patterns?
Why I don't have anyone I can talk to about all this?
Why are the tears right under the surface at the worst times?
Why can't I let it go?

Can't believe it's been this long...

2009-04-08T14:02:00.000-04:00

Cycle 6, CD 22

Wow, I can't believe that I'm back now writing half way through cycle 6.

It's kind of funny that each month there's been something that would have been special had it been our turn. Cycle 2 would have let us make our big announcement at Christmas and given us an EDD on our anniversary, cycle 3 would have been a birthday surprise to announce for my mom, cycle 4 would have been a Valentine's Day present, and last month would have given us an EDD on my grandpa's birthday. The last one was even more special because since we started trying and he died, I've been thinking that our little boy middle name should be for grandpa.

Now we're here: our last chance for a 2009 baby. And it's not going to happen. I can't blame DH for getting stage fright. But for all the talk about really being ready and not caring if this ends up being a Christmas baby because he just really wants a baby....well, you'd think he'd be a little more willing and eager. It makes me worry that some day down the road if we needed to do IUI or IVF, DH wouldn't be able to handle the pressure. *sigh*

Next month is my last chance to get a BFP before I turn 30. That really freaks me out. But as much as that freaks me out, I think I need to just stop for a few months. I can't keep pouring the emotional effort into trying to do this when the other half of the equation isn't there. And it's not just the stage fright, it's the life style changes that aren't being made to make this optimal or even to prepare for our future little one. So I think for the next few months I'm just going to concentrate on me. I got a new treadmill last week and I really do want to be in better shape to have a baby. I won't prevent, but I'm putting away my thermomator, charting, and OPKs. I'm going to be better myself and put the rest in God's hands for awhile.

The waiting continues...

2008-12-14T13:09:00.000-05:00

Cycle 2: 14 DPO

And I'm still waiting. And still spotting. It's been a week already! AF would technically be due today so I guess we'll see. BFNs all along...I'm going nuts! I've decided to call the doctor tomorrow if no AF because a week of spotting is just ridiculous. I'm still holding on to a shred of hope that I'm one of those ladies that doesn't get BFPs by HPTs until she's way late.

It's probably just being cruel to myself but I've decided on a way to tell the family if I do end up with a BFP yet this cycle. We got Dad a digital picture frame for Christmas along with an SD card for it. I kind of wanted to load some pics on the SD card so it would be ready for him but didn't want to open it if it's the wrong thing. So I think I would enlist my sister's help and take some pictures of the test and then signs saying we're pregnant and when we're due on her digital camera (which is my old camera) because it uses the same kind of SD card. I'd have Dad test out the card in his frame, sit back, and watch. :o)

I doubt it's going to happen but hey, a girl can dream...right?

Waiting

2008-12-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Cycle 2: 9 DPO

I didn't think I was terribly emotionally attached to this cycle. I came into it feeling really relaxed, confident that whatever was supposed to happen would happen. I didn't get terribly worked up at O, which came 4 days earlier than anticipated. Even afterward I felt pretty darn mellow, not at all on pins and needles like last cycle. Until 7 DPO that is. That's when my temp dropped almost half a degree and more than a bit below coverline. I thought for sure it would come back up the next morning, and it did, by only a tenth of a degree. I started spotting a good bit last night and I really thought I'd have AF by today.

I was absolutely heartbroken last night, positive that was it for this cycle. I think I was extra emotional because of a tough shift at work. James and I have both been feeling Grandpa's absence lately with Thanksgiving and his birthday not far behind us and Christmas fast approaching. So when an 83 year old woman and her daughter came in last night after falling (daughter tried to catch mom when mom fell) and both were extra emotional after the loss of their husband/father the week before, well...it kind of hit home. The poor mother got teary, hugged me tight after I finished her exam and told me what a hard week it had been. I admit I got a bit teared up a bit myself.

Well, my temp came back up today and the spotting was gone this morning. It came back this afternoon but isn't as heavy as last night. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it stays up tomorrow as well and this spotting goes away. I restrained myself from testing this morning, reasoning that if the last few days were implantation that it wouldn't show up in a urine HCG yet. I half want to test tomorrow but think it would still be too early. I'm going to try to stick to testing on Thursday if my temps are still up.

Ironically, according to FF, if we conceived this cycle our due date will be our anniversary. I just keep praying....